Our love

4 senses and years

"Are you happy"
"No"
"Are you sad"
"No"
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I fear turning into something nobody including myself can control" I whisper. My eyes sat on the ground through my knees beating faster than my heart.

He nods. Taking in my words as if his favourite food.
"I think you've been hurt very deep, something you can't handle" he says. His eyes piercing into me with the lies I believe to come out of his mouth.
I scoff loudly and look at him with wide eyes, "you think I'm not hurt?, that's the obvious in this situation doctor!" I tell..

He nods again
God that's getting annoying..
He shakes his head and places his intertwined hands against his crotch. "Michelle you have been here for 4 years and refuse to open up to me, what is it exactly that your scared or restricting yourself from"

It's true
4 whole years I've been attending the same therapist. Tony put me in 4 years ago and still takes me to every appointment, even with the fact that I haven't changed one bit with the day it first started.
When he left me for another person
Another love..

"What do you want me to say"
He leans himself forward, "answer my questions in honestly and truth. Stop supporting the wall which only keeps you from yourself"he informs.
His words aren't always stupid and fake, like that sentence I feel and think of me in reality being the one who torture's and hurts myself
I just throw all the blame on Emilio..

I nod softly and look at him with escaping tears.
The room is dead silent for moments, I and him wait for the questions which I'm expected to and get answers from, "how did you meet Emilio"

I exhale lowly.
That question seems so harmless but to think on the good and love filled times we shared stabs me like a sharp knife.
"When we were children we met for the first time, I don't remember anything of it" I say.
"Then when I was sent to prison at 17 I met him again, only that time I hadn't known who he was and shared interest.. very deep and sexual interest" I whisper.

He looks down at his note pad as witting fast.
"How did he make you feel" he asks. Bobbing his knee with the passing time.
I smile softly. "Like the only person on the earth"

He smiles at my answer and continues writing.
"Why did you love Emilio" he cuts.
That questions hits me like a million weights. It pushes all the air and life out of me..
My tears run down my cheek and fall into the dip of my jaw.
"He was the only person who made me feel protected and loved.
He never judged me and had the most perfect smile you'd ever imagine" I say. My words rolling through me like honey.
"I not only loved him for who I saw on the outside but who was revealed from the inside"

I can't breathe.
My lungs feel pushed and tied together. I squirm roughly in my seat.
"Can you open the window" I say, glancing up and studying the howl of wind which already pins against me..
"Michelle breathe and focus" he reminds. Eyes still toward his pen which works the paper.
I shut my eyes and try listening to him, I try breathing hard.
In and out...

"What was your childhood like" he asks. We both make hard eye contact as that questions reveals itself .
I exhale loudly as the only person to ever listen to my past and torture being Emilio..
"My mother died when I was young and my father put all his anger and grief on me" I say quickly.
I try my hardest to seem sure and honest about my answer but he seems to see right through me..
"How did he show that anger and grief"
God stop asking these questions!

I swallow the lump which sinks Itself up my throat.
"He beat me restlessly" I say. I stare flat at him as his body seems no reaction in the stinging words I just admitted to.
"How do you feel now about the way you were treated"
He's watching me now, calculating every inch of my bodies reaction to these questions.
"I'm angry" I say. I bite down on my teeth as my jaw tightens with fear..
He narrows his eyes roughly in want of more.