His Hands

suguru's journal

TW for this chapter:

Depression
Internalized homophobia
Mommy/daddy issues

ALSO-

We have put a timeline in the next chapter, so we recommend checking that out before starting the reading for these entries.

Or just raw dog it.

Thanks,

Eren and Red

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Suguru's Journal

April 6th, 2007

Self doubt has enclosed me. I thought leaving high school would release me from this cage. But I carry it with me and I seem to have come straight to its cause.

It's within me that I'm tested the most. Knee to the gut and blinding my sight.

I will wash away the blood.

April 9th, 2007

I tried not to have any expectations for what my new roommate would be like. But God, he is so irritating. He asks me to do everything with him. It's as if he's never had a friend before.

And maybe he hasn't, but it's still annoying.

It's also infuriating how at ease he's made me feel over the last few days.

Also, I don't appreciate just how blue his eyes are. It's like seeing the ocean everytime he looks at me.

April 12th, 2007

I wish I could go back in time and take back all of the pieces of me that I've given to undeserving people, then maybe finally I'll start to feel more put together, more alive, and less struggling to catch a decent breath. Because I feel like I'm on a bridge, just watching my life go by from above.

I don't know how to be calm. Or simple, like a breath of fresh air.

I don't know how to do that. I feel like a fucking chaotic mess of a human being on the inside.  I care too much and too little. I don't know what to do with myself.

——

Gojo wants me to go to this orientation party, but the idea of being around hoards of other freshmen sounds exhausting. I don't want to disappoint him though.

April 14th, 2007

Pieces of the day get dragged to an end and I'm thrown into the night's dreams.

Gojo's face pops in and out of my sleep far too often.

Most days I wake up and my bones don't feel as heavy as the day before, I think it might have to do with him.

April 17th, 2007

Hopefully I'll wake up with the sun and won't feel this heaviness on my rib cage with every breath I take. Ever since my arms were full of Satoru, I can't think about anything else. Even if I don't yearn for the feeling constantly, there is still this terrible burning of wanting deep within me.

It's scary for me to want things I can't have.

April 26th, 2007