Welcome to the hell I call my brain.

Why am i sad?

I get asked this question a lot, I don't know how to react to it or even how to answer it. How am I meant to explain the thoughts in my head without sounding cringe or dramatic.

But I want to try and explain it.

I don't think I'm sad, I think that the sadness faded a few years ago and it left me with this nothingness that I'm not sure how to full. It's like I can talk about my future have dreams about what I want to do but I know deep down im saying it to make the person in front of me happy. Because I know I truly believe I won't be here for that long.
I think that's why I do dumb shit because it's like a big fuck you to the world.

But after living my life like this for years I think it's time I go .
I know I don't see it as selfish. It's fuckin selfish to want to keep me in a world where I'm unhappy 24 fuckin 7. I can promise you the lost of me is much more bearable then the consent worry and the burden I have on my family.

It would help me to leave this horrible fuckin planet because being here makes me want to go crazy mostly because I keep hearing the same fuckin song from every person that knows I'm not okay, it's always your going to be okay, you got this , your strong, think of all the things you'll miss out on and you know what.
I have thought about it and I don't care. I don't want to be here anymore this world is a shitty place.

I don't see it as selfish , everyone is worried about me but if I die the grieving stage will past and I know for some people it will take awhile but imagine how happy I'll be.

Think about it , being sad about me for a while is nothing compared to my suffering for years and years plus more if I'm still here after it .

Okay I think I ranted to much in the first half I'm going to try explain it again.

I'm not who I used to be, I remember my happy self and she was fearless and shameless she didn't care what anyone thought but the new me now is just the shell of her , I can pretend I'm happy I can go out with my friends and hang out with my family but I know that it's because I want them to have happy memories about me. Like i said in my first statement I just feel like nothingness. Everything feels like work ,talking ,moving even breathing it's like whatever I do to improve my mental health it just keeps declining and I'm just so tired. I'm trying not to be cringe but fuck why does it feel like I'm in a movie that won't stop and I hate the character I'm playing and the plot of her life is over used and overrated.

Im not sad I'm just done, the tears have stopped flowing the thoughts are on repeat and my mind is slowing dying. I don't think I can pretend anymore. I just want to sleep.