Damage Repaired

Chapter 33

Instead of going to the hotel to sulk and eat my weight in a tub of ice cream like originally planned, I took the exit to the nearest beach. The warm sand beneath my bare feet felt amazing. I always loved the beach; something about the atmosphere was peaceful and calming, making it the perfect place for me to be right now. With my jeans rolled up to my shins and my hands tucked in the back pockets, I started what I knew was going to be a long stroll down the entire stretch of the beach. My mind wandered back to everything Ezra said about Nathaniel and me. How I was still in love with him, which was so false, it was laughable, but some of the other points he made weren't that far from the truth. I was giving him pieces of myself because pieces of myself were all I had. I wasn't sure if I was whole before I even met Nathaniel. I felt broken and lost all my life, it only amplified after the incident four years ago.

"I have never seen a man love someone as fiercely as he loves you, Ana, so yes, when you're ready to move on one day after the dust has settled, whether it's in weeks, months, or years from now, I do believe the person that's meant for you, in the end, is Nathaniel."

I recalled Ezra's words wanting to set it on fire and watch it burn if I could. I couldn't fathom how confident he was that Nathaniel and I would end up together again, even after knowing my side of the story and the hell he put me through; it just didn't make sense. Whenever I thought back on the relationship I had with Nathaniel, I wasn't even sure if what we had was love between all the major secrets he chose to keep from me, all while putting on this facade that everything was more than okay when in reality, it wasn't. Whenever I thought of love, I thought of someone loving me unconditionally no matter what, not on terms and conditions. I thought of someone treating me as their equal. Ezra said that Nathaniel might've had to choose between two impossible options, but he was wrong about that as well. What was so hard about coming to me, someone he thought of as his equal, about a problem he was facing? Why did he feel like he couldn't confide in me, someone he claimed to love? Why didn't he think we could face his problems together as one?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Tears streamed down my face, and I did nothing to stop them. My heart hurt—ached so fucking badly I wanted to rip it out of my chest and be done with it. How it still pounded powerfully inside of me after the beating and mutilation it was constantly taking was beyond me. I walked down to the water, going deep enough only to get the part of my jeans that was rolled up wet. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the feeling of the cool ocean water lapping against my ankles while also dowsing the fire in my veins temporarily. I thought I had mastered becoming numb to emotions, but Ezra leaving proved how false that was, and it also brought back all of the previous painful memories I tried my absolute hardest to lock away. My life was the epitome of unfairness, and it sometimes made me wonder if it was even worth living, but whenever I thought about the baby I lost, it gave me the strength I needed to keep going.

I pulled my phone out and checked the time. It was twelve p.m., meaning Ezra was officially on a plane to London now, and despite how miserable I felt, I was happy for him. I tucked my phone back in my pocket, not ready to leave and go to the hotel just yet, so I plopped down on the sand away from the water, folded my arms behind my head, and closed my eyes, shutting my brain off for a moment of peace I desperately needed.

A cool breeze whipped across my face sending a chill down my body, which essentially woke me from my slumber. I sat up completely and saw the sun setting over the horizon, the sky now splashed with different shades of yellow, pink, and purple. It was simply breathtaking. When I checked my phone again, it was now six thirty-four p.m. which meant I spent my entire day out here exactly how I wanted but now it was time to leave to go get something to eat to appease my growling stomach. Then I'd probably call Dylan over to my hotel room so he could help me look for an apartment. The busy hours of the beach had now passed, and only a handful of people still remained. The sun lowered more and more as I made the trek back to my car, and by the time I finally made it to the sidewalk, it had fully set. On my way to the hotel, I decided to stop by the gas station I frequented near Ezra's house to grab some snacks and a drink to hold me until I got real food in my belly.