Damage Repaired

Chapter 22

I got lucky yesterday when Nathaniel had to leave, giving me a break from his intense presence that I desperately needed. But knowing I'd be seeing him every day for the next four months did nothing to ease my anxiety, especially when I walked into his office the next day. Nathaniel was on the phone talking in a hushed tone, and when he saw me striding towards his desk, he never took his eyes off my figure. Instead of sitting in the chair and waiting for him to get off the phone, I walked over to the grand bookshelf to busy myself in the meantime. I heard Nathaniel's chair turn and felt his eyes on my back as I brushed the spines of the books with my index finger.

I was passing through the second shelf when something caught my eye—my name on the spine of a maroon book. My heart nervously skipped a beat, and as much as I wanted to pretend I never saw it, I was too curious to see what was inside. With sweaty hands, I slid the book from the shelf and saw that it was actually a sketchbook. The cover was blank, giving nothing away, so with shaky fingers, I flipped to the first page, but before I could catch a glimpse of anything, something fluttered out of the book, falling to the floor. I bent down to pick whatever it was up and stopped when I saw what had fallen. It was the photo-booth pictures we took at Stella's party. It felt like the world was moving in slow motion when I finally picked the photograph up, my throat constricting when I saw the first mini picture of the two of us, me smiling happily and Nathaniel with the slightest smirk. My head spun when I saw the second picture with me sticking my tongue out while he buried his face in the crook of my neck, and when I saw the third picture, I felt tears burn in the back of my eyes. Nathaniel was gazing up at me so lovingly he damn near had hearts in his eyes while I smiled at the camera, oblivious to his look of complete adoration. That was the happiest time of my life, especially the two weeks that followed. I didn't even get to the fourth picture before I slid the photograph inside one of the pages and shoved the book back on the shelf where I found it. I knew I should've ignored it, but I was too nosey.

"Anastazi."

Even over the sound of blood rushing to my head, I could still hear the agonizing pain and guilt laced in his voice.

"Just give me a second," I choked out, gripping the bookshelf as I released a shaky breath. Everything in my body ached, mainly the stupid organ in my chest.

Breathe in, breathe out.

No running.

I nodded, feeling slightly better, and turned around to find Nathaniel standing a few inches away from me, reaching out. When I looked down at his arm, he dropped it at his side and swallowed hard. My eyes found their way to his, and I don't know how long we stood there, entranced in each other's gaze, our broken energy swirling around us. Part of me hoped the next words uttered from his lips would be an explanation that I longed for, but that was just foolish wishful thinking. If I ever did get an answer, it'd be on his terms after he wormed his way back into my good graces by his sweet smooth words, but I refused to let that happen. I refused to give myself back to him just from meaningless words that held absolutely no weight; what we had before belonged in the past, where it was meant to stay.

"So—"

"I just remembered I have somewhere else to be today, so I'll have Marsha take over for me again," Nathaniel interrupted, breaking eye contact and walking over to his desk.

I blinked slowly, realizing he was giving me an out—another break from him after what just happened. He was being...considerate about my feelings instead of utilizing the fact that he had access to me for half of the day for the next four months like I assumed he would. I wanted to believe that he actually had somewhere to be and that it had nothing to do with giving me a break, but when I talked to Marsha this morning, she informed me of Nathaniel's schedule and how today he was going to have me shadow him in the Engineering Department.