Scar

Seven silent days

Scar's POV

It has been seven silent days since Elmer decided what was going to happen to me. First four silent days where I lay in bed and he sat curled up in the armchair watching the snow fall outside the window. Then three silent days in mom's old house trying to make it our home. 

I didn't know that silence could be this heavy. 

Elmer walks past me into the kitchen ignoring me, his steps brisk and irritated. I look at his back until he disappears around the corner. 

I tried to talk to him, small talk, simple questions, even about our past but he told me to be quiet. Not a word, he repeated each time so now I hold my tongue and just watch him. I drink up the little glimpses I get and relish in his scent because I shouldn't be allowed to be near him. I should by all rights not be allowed to even see him. 

The Moon has been more merciful that I deserve. 

I flex my wrists and take a deep breath. At first I couldn't belive that the spell hade locked it away. I was sure it would break free and come out at first chance. I keept my defense up, always ready to fight it. But something is different now. My chest don't feel like it holds a bomb inside anymore. My jaw has stopped aching and there is no constant panic that makes my skin crawl. 

My nose can't stop sucking up more of his scent. I am an addict and he is right in the next room. The lingering trail has stopped any thoughts that might try to make me reflect over myself. I love being around him. It makes me happier than anything. 

I really wish I could make him happy. But that chance is all burnt up now; the sooty flakes nothing but dark powder in the bottom of the fireplace. 

"Cassian, come here." 

I drop the box in my hand and hurry into the kitchen. Elmer is standing with one hand on the kitchen table looking thoughtful. His eyes catch me in a staredown and I stop in the doorway. My heart is out of place and it beats anxiously out of rythm. 

"Closer" he mutters, as if I can't do anything right. 

I obey him and close the distance with unsure steps. When I am near enough to touch him I stop. The space between us is everything. All the guilt in me makes my throat tight and my fingers tremble. 

Elmer has stopped as if trapped in doubts. I see him trying to figure out what he wants. I am close but not too close. I am silent but not dismissively silent. I am waiting for him to figure out what he wants. As he said himself, he gets to control us now. This time I will not fail him. 

It doesn't take long for him to figure out that he doesn't know what he in wants. In frustration he pushes me away and stomps out of the room. Holding back angry tears again. This is not the first time he's done this. Since we got to the house he has summoned me like this at least twice a day and then bolted out after standing quiet. 

Staying where he left me I ponder what's best to do. He should be in control and I should just follow whatever he wants. But somewhere I feel like I want to help him make up his mind. It is my fault that he is like this now. 

For the first time since he took control over our relationship I make a move. I won't force him or go against his wishes but I will help him get over these terrible feelings. As usual he is standing barefoot in the snow outside looking at the tall trees. 

"I won't confuse your affection with forgiveness" I promise him but he just scoffs without turning around. "You should get whatever you want, Elmer. Everything I should have given you back then. Whatever you need, it's yours. I will not confuse your needs with leniency."