video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day Seven | Depression

Drista is long gone now. I've returned back to my room. The curtains are pulled closed again. The only light filling my room is the monitors again. The little freedom I had has exhausted my mind more than ever.

I feel a bit of guilt for weighing everyone down. My mom, my sister, my friends. Everyone is being dragged down with me and it's honestly not fair to anyone, myself included.

So I sit down at my desk and stare at the camera in front of me. If I can't talk to anyone else, I guess this is who I talk to now. I talk to the thing I've always feared because it's almost like I'm talking to her. These videos are for her after all. I might as well get it all out in the only way I can. No one understands the inner workings of my mind quite like her.

I open OBS and click start recording but oddly with all that I have to say I just sit in silence for a bit. I disassociate from the world, I stare blankly at my fingers as I spin my ring around my finger.

It's all about delivery. It's all about saying the right thing. It's a practice I've be come quite well at with my job. I mean, I've always had a way with words but this is such higher stakes. This is what makes me feel like I have her here with me. But she's not here and it makes it ten times harder to not feel judged.

"Hi again." I finally say, my eyes shifting slowly up to the camera. But when I catch my reflection, I instantly look away. I don't even look human anymore. I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Will she even recognize me?

"It's been a week now. You've been gone a whole week and I am still sitting here moping over the loss of you. A loss that I created. Pretty stupid I know. You hear about it every day. Well, I say it to this camera every day. I still haven't gotten the courage to tell anyone I do this. It's my own peace of mind." I go back to spinning my ring around my finger.

"More than anything, I'm feeling different today. I hung out with my sister. It wasn't enjoyable. She just talked about losing you and how I didn't just hurt myself, how I didn't just hurt you, but everyone around me in the process." My body just feels uncomfortable as I speak. I can't sit here and speak directly to the camera. It doesn't feel like myself. I don't feel like myself.

I pace my room and continue speaking. Most of the time I'm not visible on camera. I'm just a distant voice calling out to an inanimate object. This little black box just sat atop my computer just listening to me ramble my feelings. It's a project for her, but will she ever even see the inner workings of my mind?

The most likely answer is no. She's gone and she made a promise she would never come back. She told me I had one chance. One chance to get things right. I played her heart too many times. Seeing myself hurt her, over and over, wasn't worth the happiness I felt from her. She deserves to be happy too.

"Love is so messy. It's supposed to be the one thing we all get right. The one thing we should all be entitled to but we just aren't. Well... we are but it's just more pain then we expect. Our feelings are always a boiling pot waiting to bubble over. How is that fair to anyone? To me? To you?" I push my hair back and let it flop into whatever position it feels like. I don't care what I look like. She's seen me in every light.

I mutter out her real name. It's spills out like someone's just poked a needle into a water balloon. It's rapid and quick. Once I say it, I repeat and repeat it. It's a name so rarely said that when I say it it's all I ever want to do. It's so beautiful. It's dainty but also strong. It fits who she is. But that name's so tainted that it can't be said. But I need to say it. I need to say it because if I don't, maybe the universe will try to bring me back someone else. But I don't want anyone else, just her.

"As I sit down and film these every day I don't feel like you'll ever see them. Not because you don't know they exist. I think you'll know. You'll get the videos somehow, but you'll choose to ignore them. You are stubborn. Stuck in your ways. Your mind is so set. You never veer of plan. And if you do... it's only because I've begged you. Begged you until my last dying breath. Okay I'm exaggerating. But that's what I do."

As the last few sentences leave my mouth my heart sinks. I hear her voice in my head. "You're always such a storyteller. Never telling the truth. Always adding fluff to the story. No one knows the real you because everything is told to sound better. It's never ever what actually happened. It's your version of what happened. Your story. Not your truth."

It's a speech she'd give me over and over. Once she found out that I was Dream, she sat and listened to conversations and stories, she caught on quickly. No one knew the real truth of who I was. I don't know if I've ever really told a truthful story. It's sad I know. I just fear the truth not being enough.

"You know, you always called me out on my bullshit. Why couldn't you do it then? Why couldn't you do it as I sat there telling you to leave? You see through all my lies, so why not that one? Surely you had to know I loved you with everything I had." I feel anger starting to rise. My once fidgeting hands turn into balled fists. 

"Maybe the real truth is you wanted out too." I laugh to myself. "I guess I played myself didn't I? I gave you exactly what you wanted. Your own freedom from me." I reach to my mouse and stop the recording.

I want to pick up anything off my desk and throw it but that would only make more work for myself. Right now I don't have the energy for a clean up. I've just talked myself into a rabbit hole. I'm in an even worse headspace than I thought.

I went from thinking I saw her to thinking she got her way out in the matter of hours. That's not normal. This isn't a normal brain pattern. This was physical proof that I was falling apart. But was I falling apart? Or was I just accepting the underlying truth?

-------------------------------------------

i'm sorry for the sadder chapter today! </3 the chapter is called depression for a reason. its crazy how the brain works. how something can be turned around in your mind so many times that the truth becomes such a distant memory. i was going through that a lot while i was writing this chapter. a lot of make believe i guess.

don't worry, i'm all good now. well besides missing dream. anyone else missing him as much as me? like fuck, i can't even go on tiktok without getting sad because i missing him that much. call me lame idc. we have a bond that i haven't been able to share with you guys, but one day i will have too!

if you enjoyed make sure you leave some love with likes and comments.

have a good one!

much love, ashley