video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day ∞ | Sobs

"I tried to reach out to her again today." Nick says over a Discord call with George and I. "I called and no answer." His voice is defeated. I never thought of how this was going to effect my friends. I guess I trusted her to... still want them around.

"Yeah I gave up after a week." George says nonchalantly. It's very much who he is though. He puts in the same effort he receives on things. If you don't give him effort you won't get it either.

"You were closer to her than most of us." I respond to George. He had always been her safe space. Neither of them would ever admit it though. They were like siblings. Nothing could compete with their bond, oddly.

"It happens." George is short. He hates handling his emotions with us. Or with anyone really. He normally does that in his own time and space. Can't see past his shell unfortunately.

"You didn't have to see her everyday." Nick argues. I can definitely say this has effected him a lot. Not that I've paid attention to much around me. But I have noticed a change in him. How he acts, what he says. He's hurting.

"You just miss having food waiting and ready for you." George fights his emotions with humor. Shocker? Not really.

"You know what I'm gonna go." The discord sound of someone leaving the call alerts and I sigh. This is exactly what I mean. Nick has always had a short temper but more than ever the fuse is dangling over a fire ready to be exploded. One wrong thing will set him off. All because of me.

"Not everyone can shut off feelings like you George." I try to sympathize for Nick's sake but George isn't having it. I can't tell he's fighting the urge to use more sarcastic humor.

"People come and go. It's not that big of a deal. She left. She made the decision to cut us out of her life. If she doesn't want me around then so be it. I'm not going to cry over her wanting what's best for herself. I'm happy she was in my life and that's that. She's gone and the good memories will remain good memories." George's words settle in my mind.

He's going about this so differently. He's happy for what he had, not bothering with what he's lost. He can't change that she's gone, so he's moving forward. He's bombarding his mind with the idea that she did this for herself to be okay. But I know her best. I know she's not okay. And maybe that's why I can't be like George.

"If only those thoughts were easy to feel." I groan and drop my head to my desk. I didn't want to talk about her anymore. It all just hurt. Even when things were doing better, she'd pop up in a conversation and I'd lose it all over again. I'm over this feeling. But I can't get over this feeling. How could I? This is all my fault.

It's this never ending battle of the same stupid bullshit every day. Me regretting my decisions every single day. I hate myself. I really honestly do. It's like it's taking me back to school days where I just wasn't living. Even with her at my side I wasn't happy. I feel like a child again, hating everything.

"You know, maybe if you tried moving on, Sap would be able to as well." George suggests and I don't respond. I let the silence just hold for awhile before the both of us just leave without another word.

My mind is so numb with thoughts. So many thoughts. The pain of my friends. The pain of her. The good memories of all of us. There's so much mindlessly running wildly through my brain. I can't focus on one thought. It's all just a jumbled mess of numb.

As I sit staring blankly at the wall, for what feels like the millionth hour since she's been gone, my phone buzzes against my desk. I lift my phone out of habit and can't even register what's on the screen in front of me. It's not even the notification that's causing this. It's my fuzzy brain. I need to snap out of it.