video log // dreamwastaken (sequel to start over)

Day 20 (?) | Waiting

Now that I know she visits, I watch out my window for her every day. I mean, I had been doing it for awhile now but she always seemed to escape my gaze. It's like she knew when I'd be away. She knew how to escape me.

I wanted today to be different. I got snacks and water. I made my room comfortable. Today was going to be the day. The day I saw her walk up and just admire what she once had. Reminisce on us. At least, I hoped that's what she weas doing. Because if she was, that meant there was a hope for a future between her and I.

As I sit and wait for her, it almost feels like time stands still. Every time I check the clock only a few minutes have passed. I will do anything to see her though. To see her in the flesh. It will take everything out of me to not run up and sweep her up in my arms again. But I have to be strong for us. I have to let us grow.

It's half past one and I see a glimmer of a human. It's the first action I've seen all day. I haven't even witnessed a bird flying by. It's been as still as a painting. But then I see her. I see her standing still just staring as she does most days.

But as fast as she appears she also leaves. She's gone and I can't admire her beauty anymore. Her beauty that has been tainted by the pain I gave her. She's gone again and though I am happy, the sadness is also so overwhelming. I guess that's why I talk to her camera now. Makes the pain easier.

"I saw you today." I smile because it makes me happy. It makes me happy because she isn't forgetting me, my friends, home. "You came home. You where freaking here. Like here, here." I feel my heart racing as I speak. "You set off the camera and I watched you from the windows. I watched you just looking up at the house. You looked lost, sad. You stood there in my hoodie. Your hands buried in the sleeves engulfing you completely. You looked lost but also like you were home."

I think about how to continue. I feel like if I just continue on about how happy I am it will erase the pain that is also here. I need a way to distract myself, and her, if she sees this now. I can't let her in yet. Neither of us are ready to be us again. We are clearly too attached still.

My fingers begin to click around on my phone, and before my mind actually catches up to what's going on, I'm showing the camera a clip of her. The clip of her from just moments before. I hope she's not upset that I caught her. Maybe this isn't the best idea.

But honestly, fuck it. We may be toxically in love but at least we are in love. Not a lot of people can say that they full heartedly love someone. That they would give up every life desire and need just to have to the person they love forever. And I would do it. I would give up everything I had if it meant we could be together happily and healthy.

"I spent hours looking through footage. You come a lot. Like, a lot a lot." I chuckle. "You miss me like I miss you. I can tell. Come back to me. Please come back."

I hope that if she sees this she will see how sorry I am. I hope she will give me a chance. I know that I don't deserve any chance, but I would still do what I could get one.

I reach up and end the recording and step away from my desk. I want to talk to Nick in person. I can't just sit in a call with him and George and talk about the way I feel. I needed more than that. My mind was too involved. Voices would never be able to capture it all.

As I walk to Nick's room I run into Patches. Oddly, she's not hiding under the coffee table in the living room. It's been a spot she's found the most comfort in since Nameless left. I don't blame her for needing her own safe space. We all needed it at this point. Even Nick and George. All of her friends needed a bit of... healing.

"Yo Nick." I knock my knuckles against his door lightly. I hear him call out but it's muffled so I just enter. He's sat playing Valorant like he does most nights. Or I guess nights and days. The dude lives and breathes it. "Can we talk?"

I spin a ring around my finger. My mom bought me a ring ages ago and I finally decided to give it a go. I needed a new fidget. I couldn't continue to pick at my skin until it bled anymore. I needed a more healthy habit.

"Lemme finish this game." He looks back at me for a quick second. I nod in agreement and flop onto his bed. I know I shouldn't trust his sheets, but at this point I don't care.

An hour passes before I'm given any ounce of Nick's attention. It actually drives me insane. There's so much I need to get off my chest and he's just taking forever. A part of me knows it's because he's upset with me. But I also hope that ideal is just something I've made up in my head.

"So what's up?" Nick finally spins in his chair and looks at me. His words don't register at first. I don't realize he's speaking to me until I sit up and see him staring.

"I saw her today." I revert to a typical fidget tactic and stare at my fingers while I talk. "Not just in the cameras this time. I saw her face like, here, today, not through a screen."

The more I speak about it. The more I feel my heart thumping against my chest. Every part of me just begs for her to come back so I can have her again. I never thought it was be this miserable. I knew it would be hard, but not like this. Not like this for either of us.

"Did you sit and wait for her like you have for the past week?" Nick questions me, an honest concern in his voice. This is controlling my life. It's taking over. I'm not living anymore.

"Nick, I had to. You don't understand the feeling in my heart. I needed this for myself." I stand up and begin pacing his room. Hand fidgeting just isn't enough to control myself. 

"You should have listened to George and I. We told you not to do this. We told you how much this would fuck us all over. But you never listen to us. You always think you know best. When will you learn Clay? That you are not always fucking right." There's anger in Nick's tone as he speaks. Honestly, it's warranted. I took his friend away.

"Do you think if her and I stayed together that everything would have been okay?" I genuinely ask Nick. Because my answer would be no. I don't think we would have lasted. Even though we loved each other with everything we had. There was no way that we would have made it. Sometimes love isn't enough.

"What I think is you two went through something traumatic together and let it consume both of you. You let Tony drown your relationship. You both might not think that. But everything went down hill from that moment." Nick shakes his head.

"I know I used to shit on her coming over here when you two weren't together. But I know you loved each other. It was a love you both deserved. The love you have now is broken. Because you are both struggling with an issue you don't want to get help with." Nick sighs.

"I told you all along that in order to fix what you two had you needed help. You needed to take a step back from your career and you needed to focus on healing your mental health's. Neither of you wanted to do it. I tried. There's only so much I can do."

I stop and look at Nick. His head is dropped. His hands are clasped in front of him with his elbows rested on his knees. He doesn't want to face what I feel toward his words. I need tough love and he's not afraid to give it. Even if it hurts himself.

"Things used to be so good." I huff out. I'm frustrated with how fast everything changed for the worse.

"For you, they've been good for awhile. But she's been struggling for years. You know that better than anyone else. At the end of the day dude, being a useless human isn't going to bring her back. So you might as well at least live while you can."

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nick out here pulling straight facts. its funny how much this chapter somewhat relates to my day mental health wise. (well today as of editing this chapter) it was a real big struggle day, lots of tears were shed. but there isn't reconciliation without a bit of pain first right?

i hope you are all doing way better than me today!

make sure to leave lots of love <3

much love, ashley!