The light to my darkness

Chapter 2

I showered and put on a movie to get the stress, I can't seem to shake off, out. It's currently 5 pm. I got everything ready for school a while ago. I don't know if I'm nervous or excited. I, for some reason I ignore, have a feeling, deep down, telling me that tomorrow is going to be a good day. Maybe I'll meet a friend, or maybe, just maybe, I'll find someone who will make me feel understood. I have such high hopes. I really want something good to happen. I want something that would totally change my life.

I don't care anyone, anything 'cause I'm so sick of being so lonely. "I can't seem to get Noah Cyrus' songs out of my head" I mumbled.

The movie hit its ending. I didn't really pay much attention to it anyway. I can't focus when I'm overthinking. I hate that, but I can't really do anything about it. I have to stop stressing, but my anxiety is only getting worse. Speaking of which, it only gets worse when my mom is involved. Thinking about what my mom will do, what will my mom say, how would my mom react, am I in trouble.. All these questions race through my head on a daily basis. I've kind of gotten used to them, but they're still super annoying. I need to find a way to get the thought of her out of my mind. I can't let her control me. I only like one thought though – not actually like, but I think it's funny.

I'm a bitch with mommy issues who always tries to get her English teachers to love her.

I personally think it's the funniest thing ever.

"Dude, I'm hilarious" I tell myself proudly.

I don't really compliment myself very often. Well, if useless, worthless, horribly looking, ugly... are considered compliments, then I guess I always do. Sadly they are not. I always feel like it's selfish to love myself, even though it's so stupid to think that way. I don't know how to think otherwise. That's how I've been raised. I'm not really proud of myself, and I know my parents aren't either. To be honest, nobody really cares.

Well, not me for sure.

I don't even know why I am alive. I don't want to even think about it. I made a promise to someone. I can't break it. As Noah Cyrus said "you always break a heart when you break a promise". I can't do this to them. I'm maybe suicidal, but I'm not heartless.

I overthought everything I'd done in the past few days, every decision I've ever made in my life until midnight.

"I have to sleep a little early since I have school tomorrow" I said to myself.

I don't really want to go, but I know there is no escape. My heart raced at the thought of interacting with people. I haven't done that in a while. I don't want any friends to be honest. I'm good all by myself. I don't want nor need anyone. I don't feel like pretending in front of everyone every single day, but I know I can't be myself. I know I can't show the real me. Only few people know the real me.

I couldn't really sleep. So, I just sat on my bed, switched my LED lights on, put my earphones in, and started listening to my favorite songs to get some good energy. My room wasn't perfect, but I still loved it. My mom thinks it's a total mess. I agree with her on that because it really is, but, for some reason, I like that mess. I just really like the familiarity of it. It makes me feel safe to see things the way they are. It sounds weird, but I don't care to be honest. I really love spending time in my messy room.

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I woke up with music still in my ears. I have no idea what time I went to sleep, but I'm sure it wasn't early. My heart fell in my stomach when I realized I have school today. I woke up pretty early which is so surprising; I usually wake up late. I didn't feel like getting out of bed. So, I decided to stay for a while. My mom and sister were still asleep. Waking them up was the last thing I wanted to happen. I like this sound. It's so pretty; the sound of silence. No yelling, no screaming, no lectures, no stupid judgments... just silence. I knew I wanted to live alone a long time ago. I want to wake up in silence, go to sleep in silence, cook in silence, sit in my messy room in silence... That's all I want. Silence is all I want. Unfortunately, that beautiful sound didn't last for long. They all were awake, dressed, and ready to go a couple of hours later.

We arrived to school shortly after we had dropped my sister off at hers. We were a bit late—I wasn't really surprised about that. I hurried to a huge gym. I was blown away by how big it was. I noticed so many people standing there. I didn't know which ones were from my class. So, I just stood next to people who looked my age. I felt uncomfortable as I stood there alone, trying to not making eye contact with anyone. I felt some people's stares crawl up my skin and hated them. I felt like everyone was silently judging me—it probably wasn't true, but that's what my mind was telling me.

The coach finally came after we waited for what seemed like forever. She introduced herself, and had a little chat with us before telling us that we could leave. "We usually only get to know each other the first session which means we won't start practicing until next class. And since we're all done for today, you're free to go" she smiled at us.

I didn't know where to go, but the bell rang shortly after anyways. It was time for another class. P.E wasn't that bad. So, I wasn't really as nervous. I was more confident about this class than any other; History, mainly because my mother was the teacher. For the first time ever, it felt, somehow, reassuring to have her around at that moment. I've never been in one of my mom's classes, but people say she's a good teacher. I guess I'll just have to see for myself.

"She's probably not as horrible as a teacher as she is as a mom" I mumbled. My mom isn't really horrible, I'm just overreacting.

Maybe... I don't know.

The bell rang once again, marking the end of class. It was so boring. I was trying to imagine my English teacher the whole time. Yes, I have English afterwards. I'm so damn excited and nervous at the same time. I have no idea how is it going to go. I spent the whole recess overthinking which I didn't really mind because I didn't have anything else to do.

I decided to go a little early to see how the teacher looks. The class was in a dark hall. I walked past 6 classes before finally getting there. I took a deep breath, and peeked from the doorway.

SHE IS FUCKING STUNNING!!!

I stood there, in amazement. I didn't know if I should stand next to the doorway or just walk to shake the stress off. Suddenly, the bell rang, and scared the living shit out of me. I panicked a bit, but still got in class because I had to. I wanted to.