The light to my darkness

Chapter 14

I opened my eyes to see a blue ceiling. I looked around to realize I'm in a hospital room. I don't know how I ended up here. I shouldn't have. This wasn't the plan.

Fuck.

"Oh My God, you're awake. I'm going to call the doctor. Wait here Darling. It's going to be okay"

It's the first time I hear my mom talk like that; like she really cares. It feels so weird.

The day Mrs. Heavenly didn't come, I was devastated. I was so broken, to the point that it hurt to breathe. My heart ached at every beat. I spent two days waiting for her text, but it was never sent. I got tired of this world, and finally decided to go away. It was time for me to leave, towards a much better place. I hated everything in my life. To be honest, I still do. I hate everything about my stupid life.

The good thing about my silly little life is it can end.

I don't know if I can end it. I failed at that, too. I sat on the bathroom floor and held my tool. It started off small, but grew as I drew deep. No paper, no pen. Nothing, but bandages again and again. I'm an artist, who draws pictures late at night, somewhere out of sight. I looked down at the floor, seeing paint almost out the door. And in silence I glared, at red drops as they hit the ground. I felt my heart turn cold. It felt good. I smiled as I felt my soul slowly leaving my body. I smiled as I felt death finding its way to me. I smiled as it settled into me. 

Flood, pouring through my eyes. I can't even close 'em, I can't even see you clear.

Noah's songs were with me as my heart slowed its beat. I closed my eyes to savor the moment. Most people would feel scared and lonely right now, but I've felt this way my whole life, it's becoming an enjoyable feeling. The second my lids fell shut, I saw her. Her smile, her features, her perfectly lined jaw, her soft hands, her fascinating eyes... I suddenly started fighting to open my eyes, but I was too weak to do so. A tape of every moment I ever caught sight of her was played in my head. I smiled.

I smiled, and tried forgetting every bad thing that had happened.

I wanted to leave the bad memories behind, and head towards a magical place with the most beautiful moments of my existence only. I didn't have many, and almost all of them were related to her.

I felt my soul rising up the sky. My breathing became shallow, and I lost control. I felt nothing. But this time, it was a different kind of nothing. A beautiful kind of nothing. My body was numb, not my soul.

When I felt conscious again, I realized I wasn't gone. I was still here. I was still alive.

Damn it.

"Well, hi there" I hear a voice say. It's a doctor.

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

I stay silent.

"Do you know why you're here?"

I nod.

He kept asking me questions, but I answered none.

"Seems like you need sometime. I'll let you rest now. If you need anything, call a nurse. Okay?"

I nod. "Can I ask for a favor?"

He seemed a bit surprised to hear my voice for the first time, "Sure"

"Can you tell my mom I need some alone time please? Oh, and I need my phone please"

"Yea, of course, but your mom is not here yet. I'll pass the message when she comes. Oh! There is someone else who's been here for a while now"

"Who was the woman sitting next to me?"

"That was your grandma"

Of course it is. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought my mom was here.

"Oh okay"

"Do wanna see them? The visitor I mean"

"Yea...sure"

He calls a nurse, and whispers something in her ear. She then leaves and comes back after a while with someone by her side. I knew who it was as soon as my eyes landed on her. My breathing got heavy, and my heart beat started rising, and I could barely breathe.

No, I'm not having a heart attack. I'm just anxious.

"We'll give you two some space, and I'll make sure to tell your mom what you told me earlier, and here is your phone"

"Thank you" I managed to mumble"

As soon as walks out, she runs to side of my bed, trying to get ahold of me, but I don't let her. She stares at me blankly then says, "I know you're mad at me, but just hear me out"

I look her straight in the eyes, and say, "OK, I'll listen to you, but I have to text my friend first. I need someone by my side"

She nods as if trying to understand.

I turn my phone on and wait. As soon as the screen lights up. I type in the password and say, "Did you know that my password is your birthday?"

She shakes her head.

"Well now you know"

I go through my notifications and accidently open a chat.

I freeze.

It's a friend of mine. She sent me a picture that looks like a recently taken one, of her and Mrs. Heavenly. They look happy. Her eyes are shining. She looks happy.

When was this? I ask

About two days ago. On Thursday.

I stare at the text for way too long. She didn't come because-

Oh My God.

"What were you saying again?"

"I didn't come because I was busy. I had so much work to do. As you know, I'm a professor now, and I had a work commitment"

"Nice. Was that your 'work' commitment?" I show her the picture, and she freezes. Her mouth is wide open, and she's clearly confused.

She opens her mouth and closes it for several times before letting out a sigh and finally spitting out, "I can explain"

"Really?" I say sarcastically.

"Yea. She asked me to meet her. She said it was important. She has family problems. She needed me and I wanted to be there for her... Just like I was there for you, or tried to at least..."

I put a cold expression on my face, "You let me down just like I imagined. For the first time in my life, I trusted someone and opened up to them. I've done everything I could for them. I let go of my concepts and beliefs for them. I let them in, but they stabbed me in the back. What I felt on my bathroom floor was nothing like what I felt that day, when I was alone at the therapist's office, waiting for someone who was happily having fun with someone else. I'm sorry but I don't think I want to talk to you anymore. Thank you for everything you've done. Thank you for everything you've made me feel. I don't regret meeting you at all. I'm grateful for that. I still love you and I always will, because I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. Thank you for helping learn how to love and live again. Thank you"

"Don't say that please. I don't want to lose you" she says with a shaky voice.

"You're never going to lose me. Just give me some time for now, please" my eyes started watering.

She hugs me and I let her. As soon as she leaves the room, I breakdown in tears.