The light to my darkness

Chapter 12

It's been 2 weeks since she left. I kept trying to pick up shattered pieces of my heart but in vain. 1 can't seem to get over the fact that she's gone. We still text, every day, but it's not like seeing her every day, like feeling her every day. It's hard to go to school and not think about her. It's even harder to go to her class with another woman sitting on her desk, doing what she once used to do. I don't like the new teacher at all. She's nothing like her. I hate that I have to sit there and listen to her crappy voice instead of the angelic voice Mrs. Heavenly had. I hate that I have to look at her ugly face instead of glaring at my favorite person's face. Good morning, I sent her a message that she replied to in matter of few minutes.

Morning bb, how are you?

I smile.

I'm good ty for asking hbu?

I'm great.

Glad to hear that <3

You're so sweet. Angel, I wanna talk to you about smth.

What is it?

Do you still do sh?

I stare at the text for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond.

Yes...

She replies right away with exactly I was expecting.

I think it's time for you to go to therapy. I found a good one. I can talk to your mom.

I have no idea what I should say or do. I don't feel ready yet. I'm scared.

I'm sorry I can't do it. I'm scared.

I want to turn my phone off and run away from this conversation just like I run away from everything else, but a part of me wants this. A part of me wants her to tell my mom to take me to a therapist or a psychiatrist. So, I stay and face this for the first time in my life. I open her message and try to talk to her honestly.

I understand where you're coming from, but you need this. You really do.

Yea, I know I need it, but I can't do it. I can't go there, and especially not alone.

Angel, you've been through so much and you made it. You can do this.

I want to tell her to go with me, but I'm nervous. I don't know if she will. She's a university professor now. She has so much work and she's extremely busy. I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm going for it anyway.

I'll go, but with one condition.

What is it?

You go with me.

She took a moment to respond and that was enough for my anxiety to kick in.

Ok. I'll go with you. I'll call your mom tomorrow and book an appointment with the therapist.

Okay.

I put my phone down beside me on my bed and stared at ceiling with a smile on my face that slowly started fading away. Gazing at the ceiling had become my favorite thing to do in the past few years. Lying down on my back on the bed or on the floor and staring at the wall is always followed by overthinking, which is followed by suicidal thoughts, which are also followed by crying and self-hurt.

Life has been real hard lately and I can barely keep going. I feel like shutting down and giving up, but I can't do it to her. I can't just leave her. I can't hurt her like that, but I can't stay either.  It hurts to breathe, to think, to talk...I can't do it anymore. I'll just wait for few more days. I'll try therapy, and if it doesn't work, I'll be out of here.

What happens when I die?

Will people take their time?

Shedding the tears,

Or did I waste all my years,

What happens if I stay?

No promise I'll be okay,

'Cause life can get hard,

And it tears me apart,

                              -Zevia, why do I exist?

Listening to Zevia's EP 'We're all sad here' always makes me feel better. It's depressing, but not too depressing. It's just perfect. I have a playlist full of my favorite songs I love and Zevia's songs are all there. I also have ton of other songs on their including Billie Eilish's, the neighborhood's, the dark Beatles', Ghita's, Faouzia's, the smiths'. Noah Cyrus', Dounia's, Doja's, Maxx's... My music style is a bit different than others. It's all mixed up. Most of the singers I listen to are small artists. I like supporting them. They deserve it to be honest. I hate seeing talented people with very little support. So, I do my best to help out.