What would you do?

Goodnight

Chapter 6

"Ahh!" i gasp. I sit up in bed and look over at the clock it was 3:00 in the morning. I was shaking violently and I was sweating. I wasn't having a seizure just a bad dream. I have been having more bad dreams than usual recently. I can't even remember what it was about. Now that I am up I know I will probably not be able to go back to sleep. I get up and turn on the lights and walk to the bathroom. I turn on the lights and look in the mirror. I am still shaking, I try to slow my breathing I don't want to wake up my mom up. I take one last look at myself and turn off the lights and walk out of the bathroom. I go downstairs trying to tiptoe that way the stairs won't creek and wake my mom. I go to the kitchen and grab a bottle of orange fanta and a bag of chips then go back up stairs. I crawl in bed and grab my ipad and start to watch netflix. I love my room so much, thats one of the reasons I stay in it so much. My bed was a queen size and it had poles around it . I hung indie sheets in it and fairy lights around so when I turn of the fairy lights and close the curtains around my bed I can shut off the world and go into my own. My room is weirdly shaped and there is this dent type shape in the wall where I put my bed. My walls were white but that is okay because you can barely see my walls. They are covered with posters and banners and lights. But it wasn't messy it was an organized clutter. That doesn't really make since but I love it. I lay down on my bed and watch American Horror Story. I wasn't going to go to school tomorrow since I have an all day doctors appointment. I look over at the clock. it was 4:00 in the morning now. I turned off my ipad and just sat in bed. I grabbed my phone and put in my earbuds in a let my thoughts drift away in my music. As best as I could that was. Normally, when I put my earbuds in, I can relax; not this time. There was something really wrong.  I can't really describe it but it is kind of like a fire started in my heart and it is consuming me, it is excruciating. And I see everyone around me frolicking in water, happy, as I sit here dying on the inside. I'm not on fire and I  kind of wish I was because then at least I would die sooner. Depression is taking over me, oh depression. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, raging rash, or blood test to send people scurrying in concern. Depression tears you apart on the inside until there is nothing left of you. It is like an insidious cancer that leaves you dead on the inside and you have to fight,  either you win or you die trying. I start to violently shake and I can barely breathe. I feel tears come out of my eyes. I grab a pillow and press it to my face to muffle my sobs. I can't take this. I can't take this I get up. I had stopped crying I couldn't anymore. Normally I don't want to cry but at this point I am so numb maybe if I cried I would feel something. It was like I wanted to cry but no tears came out, so I just stare into space blankly while I feel my heart break into pieces.  I got out of bed and walked into my bathroom that was connected to my room. I close the door and lock it. I turn on the water and let it get hot then I take a rag and soak it in and press it to my face. I open up my medicine cabinet and grab my sleeping pills. I want these thoughts to stop, I need these thoughts to stop. I grab a cup and fill it with water then put some pills in my mouth and swallow.  I open the bathroom door and go to my bed and climb in. Goodnight.