Things Dr. Bright Is Not Allowed To Do

69-85

69. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."

70. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."

71. Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.

72. Despite his doctoral degree, Dr. Bright is not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following:
1. Enemas
2. Homeopathic remedies
3. Any sort of medication
4. Free hugs
5. The healing power of laughter
6. 'More cowbell'.

73. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
Or "Get bigger guns."

74. Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor."
Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting.

75. And despite what the computer file on him may say, he is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without him.

76. The "Tamlin House School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just a plain bad idea.

77. If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm.

78. If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurized hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?

78. Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.

79. Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard.
Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.

80. Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek.

81. No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
No. Not even if he uses SCP-281 to do it.

82. There are no security codes for:
1. Zombie conga line
2. Badass hat
3. Vampire can-can
4. Disco corpse
5. Intense homoeroticism
6. Extreme crotch violence
7. Man disguised as a palm tree
8. Man with porn 'stache
9. Kung fu rasta
10. Puppy-eating monks
11. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers.
12. Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.)
13. Dr. Kondraki beach party.

83. Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he is the Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses. No, SCP-963 is not proof against this. Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 inside of a police call box.

84. Adopting female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.

85. SCP-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver. The Doctor who?