A Rose In The Dark

Chapter 3

At lunch, Caitlin has drama, so I'm by myself. I sit at our table, anyway, watching the world go past. I watch Katie Green and her friends laughing at something she just said. I see Rocco and his mates playing soccer. But then I Lucía walks past with all her 'popular' friends, and the black mist creeps in, clouding my brain with negative thoughts. True thoughts, I know. I'll never be good enough. I'll be stuck sitting next to my secret enemy forever, with my ugly body, never smart enough, being criticised because I'm a girl.

And I hate it. I hate my life, I hate me, I don't deserve to exist. I don't deserve to exist at all.

And my brain goes down this never ending tunnel of black and self hatred, and I have one singular thought that overalls them all.

'I make life worse for people. I shouldn't exist.'

And I'm snapped back to reality when Lucía speaks to me.

'Hey, Sofía!' she says, sugary sweet. I know she wants something from me, because she never speaks to me at school- why would she ever talk to someone below her popularity level- and also never speaks to me this nice. Ever. 'So, I was wondering, could you lend your sister a little bit of money to get something from the canteen? You know, cause you're so nice. I'll pay you back.' And I know she never will, but she has her gang of friends behind her, and I really don't want them to be sent to like, hunt me down, or something.

'OK.' I say, dejectedly, and hand over $5. It's dad's money, I don't want it. 'Can you leave me alone now?'

'Of course, Sofía.' she says, and walks away with that little sashay she only has when she's with her friends. I know she's faking it.

When I get home, I find dad sitting at home.

'Had a good day, Sof?' he asks. He's the only one that calls me Sof, and I hate it, but I'm too scared to tell him not to. I know that makes me a coward, but I'd rather not be targeted by him anymore than I have to be.

'Win anything today?' he says.

'No competitions today, dad.' I say.

'Why not?'

'Nothing on in any of the clubs I'm in.'

'Join another one, then.' he says, like it's that simple.

'Dad, I have no time...'

'Join another one.' he says, forcefully this time.

'OK, dad.'

'Sof, you know there's no way you're gonna get that scholarship if you don't listen to me. You're lucky enough I spend my time trying to make you better. Lucía was already top of her year when she was your age. Why can't you be like her? You need to try harder.'

'Yes, dad.' I mumble, looking at the ground. I'm in middle school! Why do I need to be worried about scholarships?

'Look up and smile, sweets, you're never going to find a handsome man if you don't smile.'

'Yes, dad.' I say again, smiling at him. I walk out of the living room door, and wait until I'm out of his view, before running up the stairs to my room.

I throw myself onto my bed, tears pricking my eyes. That wasn't even a bad 'conversation' with dad, but I still feel crushed.

Why me? I can't remember him ever talking to Lucía like that, so why? Maybe it's because Lucía was always perfect. Even when she was 6, she was perfect. In Mexico, I remember, even though I was 4, how she was perfect. It was affecting me, even then. She'd just started school, but she was already was all of the teacher's pets.

They'd all say things like 'Amamos a Lucía. Ella es increíble, y siempre hace lo que le dicen. Estaré triste de verla irse a fin de año.'

(We love Lucía. She's amazing, and always does what she's told. I'll be sad to see her go at the end of the year.)

Now, 10 years later, and living in Australia, she's still perfect. It literally took her two years to become fluent in English. And yeah, she'd been learning English on the side most of her life, but Spanish is our first language! It took me four years to become fluent.

Lucía is the queen bee of year 10's. All the boys want to date her, and all the girls want to be her. She has everything. The perfect life. I'm just a little stain on the bottom of her designer heels. Inconvenient, but she can't get rid of me.

And then there's me. An unpopular year 9, mixed race, but not in the beautiful way that Lucía is. While Lucía gets admired for her beautiful skin tone, I get excluded. I'm a feminist, I never allow myself to be seen as anything less than an independent woman. Or girl in my case. All that gets me is getting alienated, whereas Lucía allows herself to be objectified, and apparently, it's working out for her. I have unpopular friends (sorry, Caitlin), while she has a horde of popular skinny girls that wear mini crop tops and skirts, heels that I have no clue how they walk in without face planting, and a faceful of makeup- I kid you not, once one of her friends (Britney), had half a centimetre of foundation off her face. I don't want to put down these girls- that's against sisterhood- but I hate how they put themselves out there as boy-toys.

I lie there and cry as quietly as I can, drowning myself in sadness. Maybe if I use it all up, it will go away.