A Rose In The Dark

Chapter 7

I smile as I walk down the drizzly grey street. I'm free as I watch everyone walk past quickly, trying to beat the rain. I'm free as I skip past the best coffee shop in town with a queue of grumpy adults out the door. I'm free as I pat the dog outside the hardware shop. I'm free as- but wait. No I'm not. I'll never be free.

As soon as I feel the black mist creeping in, I find a place to sit. I sit down, and just allow it this time I can't stop it, so why not just let it drown me? There's no point fighting anymore.

No point. No point in living, am I right? Why do we keep playing this cruel game we call life? All it is is being knocked to the ground, over and over again, and getting up, painting on a pretty face. Pretty face. Everyone's pretty. Everyone's beautiful, handsome, attractive... except for me. I'm ugly. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Laughing and smiling and not recognising the cruelness of this planet we call home. And the point of life. Well, there is no point, is there? The whole universe, just existing, and what for? Why does it even exist? Is there anything further out there? Why does everything exist? What's the point?

What's the point...

No. I won't let it take control of me. Not now, not ever.

But I'm weak. I'm useless.

No.

The first sign of madness: talking to yourself. I'm going mad.

No. It's not going to take control of me again. I won't let it.

I need something positive. Anything at all. My brain might be trying its best to ruin me, but I'me not going to let it.

I see the cinema up ahead, and duck inside, partially to shelter me from the incoming rain, but also because movies always make me feel better. I look at the timetable of the next movies, and spot one called She Said. I buy tickets for it, and wait the 20 minutes until the movie starts, playing around on my phone.

10 minutes until the movie starts, I realise that I should probably see what it's about. So I search up She Said, and look at the synopsis. And I know that the black mist isn't coming back for at least a few hours, because I've somehow managed to choose a feminist movie. Just reading it, I feel happy again.

"The New York Times journalists Megan Twohey and Jodi Kantor publish a report that exposes sexual abuse allegations against powerful Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. The shocking story also serves as a launching pad for the #MeToo movement, shattering decades of silence around the subject of sexual assault and harassment."

As soon as the cinema is free, I run inside, eager to watch it.

Two and a half hours later, I emerge from the cinema, smiling. She Said made me smile properly for the first time in weeks.

I skip down the street, smiling, looking around at my beautiful town. Mansfield. I look at the trees, the mountains, and beam. I tip my face up to the sky, and open my mouth, letting the raindrops fall down my throat. I am partially aware of everyone passing by staring at me like I am a maniac, but right now, in this moment, I don't care. Happiness feels like- I don't even know. And I have no clue how I lived the last few weeks without feeling this.

And with that, I remember. I remember that I don't deserve this. Dad is right about me. He's always right. I'm always wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I have to be perfect. Always perfect. And I never am. I never will be. Why don't I just give up? Leave this world, let everyone go on without me. No one will care. I won't even die surrounded by people who love me, unlike abuelo. I'll die alone, and everyone will know that my life was pointless. Pointless, pointless, pointless.

I don't even realise I'm running until I see my house right in front of me, rain dripping off the gutter. I let myself in, knowing full well that dad is probably home. And I am probably in a lot of trouble.