Wet The Bed: (Chris Brown Story)

Lost

"It's going to be okay Bloss " my brain repeatedly revealed.

Is it really going to be okay ... Or is just some fake announcement you tell yourself when you know it's not...
This is why I was single for so long to avoid ignorant niggas like this. . Single because no one values communication and real feelings get neglected. Trust becomes an issue because being lied to and disrespected becomes a routine but gets old fast. Getting jealous becomes a natural habit because other girls who's not down for your dude like you are gets everything that you want so bad from him. His attention , effort , love and care. I wasn't single before because I wanted to be nor because something was wrong with me.Only because it was my choice to be . I had so much self respect for myself to even deal with bullshit games. Loving and caring to much for a person who doesn't want to commit and not in love with you is just a waste . When I think about the whole roller coaster ride I've been on with Chris It just hurts to know I wasn't worth it . I know I was hard to love because I was very difficult but shit I just wanted to be good enough and apparently I wasn't even close to being that for him. Since I'm suppose to be so strong as people portray me as I can't talk to anyone about this so I've just been alone. That's the problem with being the strong one. No one ever offers you a helping hand. I can barley look at myself in the mirror . I've let everyone down especially myself. I can honestly say the most destructive thing I've ever done was make someone else my happiness.

I slowly got up from the cold concrete with my blanket wrapped around me . I headed to the bathroom closing the door behind me . It was completely dark. I put my head down tightening my eyes quickly. I took my hand flicking on the light forcing myself to open my eyes . I stared at myself in the mirror trying to hold back my tears by smiling but I couldn't. Staring at myself is pitiful. I look so drained . I couldn't hold them any longer and more tears bursted out. I grabbed the middle of my shirt begging myself to stop , begging myself to hold on just a little bit longer . You don't fully know what pain is until your looking directly at yourself in the face contemplating if you should give it all up or keep going but I guess thats the thing about being in Love ... It's such a scary experience . You start to forget about yourself because all you feel is them ... All you care about is them , there happiness means more to you than your own . You lose yourself trying to love someone else ; you forget that you are special as well. Loving to much always kills something inside of you . It rips you apart and messes up your mind.It leaves you wide awake at 3 in the morning wishing you never had any feelings . I turned the water on to the shower taking my clothes off & letting my hair down . I got in the shower standing complete still gazing at the wall . I was in a daze replaying everything that happened in my once was relationship with Chris then next thing you know I was sitting under the shower with my head down crying hysterically .... I finally positioned my hand on the knob for the water . I turned it off still sniffling as if I had a cold but no I had a broken heart .....

"I destroyed myself by loving you."

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