You and me

Part 19

Y/N POV

I am kinda freaking out at the moment. After the whole text thing all I can think about is Allison and how much she has fucked me up. I don't want to ever feel like that again and I am so scared that what I am feeling for Lizzie isn't mutual and that I will get hurt in the process. I probably know that Lizzie isn't that person but my brain is betraying me. I can't do this again, I really can't. I am pacing in my living room not knowing what to do. That's when I get a text from someone.

Lizzie🦎

Talking about fun, do you want to come over?

Yes of course I want to come over but I can't. It was such a long time since I got this feeling, I think that I am having a panic attack. I can't breath and I can't stop staring at that text. What am I going to do? I know what I need to do, I need to text Lizzie back saying that I will come to her and then tell her what is going trough my mind. But what am I doing instead, I am walking to my alcohol cabinet and taking a beer. This is exactly what my therapist said I shouldn't do. I can't drink to forget my feelings but what am I doing right now? Drinking to forget my fucking feelings. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be a normal person and talk to people? No, I need to lock myself up drink and forget everything. I take all the beers in my fridge and settle down on the bed. I put on the TV to try and not think about everything. I started watching station 19 because I heard some good things about it. I finish another beer and throw it on the table. I take a new one and that's when I get another text.

Lizzie🦎

You can just say that you don't want to come but you don't need to ignore me.

I throw my phone somewhere and ignore her even more. Maybe this is what I am supposed to do. Maybe if I push her away far enough she won't come back and it will spare me the pain. Why can't I just talk to someone like a normal person, why do I need to do this? I finish my third beer and start on another and after that another. I start to feel a light buzz and I try to focus on the TV. I don't know how long is it's been since I started drinking but almost all the beers are empty and just when I wanted to get me a bottle of wine the doorbell rings. I don't feel like talking to people so I just take the bottle of wine and sit back down. Normally I don't drink too many wine because it gives me the worst hangovers but I don't care right now. My doorbell keeps ringing and I put my TV a little harder so that I don't hear it anymore. "Open the god damn door Y/N. I know what you are doing and it is not healthy. Lizzie is worried that something happened to you so please just open the door." Of course it's Aubrey. Lizzie must have called her but I really don't want to do this right now. "Please leave me alone!" I am slurring my words and you can hear my voice breaking. Aubrey knows that I am doing this to myself because this is exactly what I always did in my past. Aubrey was always there to pick me off the ground and that is what she wants to do now but I grew up so I need to do this myself. I need to stop acting this childish and just pull myself together. "Don't do this to yourself Y/N. Pull out of it. I know that you are having a hard time but drinking is not the solution and you know it." I put my head in my hands and just start thinking about what I am doing. I don't know how long I am sitting like this but after some time I hear my front door open. Of course, Aubrey has a key.

I feel someone standing before me but I still don't look up because I am so embarrassed that I am doing this again. Someone crouches before me and tilts my head up with her fingers. "Please look at me." Wait, hold up. Please don't say that this is happening in real life. "Lizzie?" I look up and see Lizzie smiling down at me. Why is she here? I don't want her to see me like this. "Why are you here?" I almost can't get words out of my mouth from how shocked I am. "I was worried about you so I called Aubrey and she let me in. Please talk to me." She cares about me, otherwise she wouldn't come here. Why did I doubt this? Now I am just making a fool out of myself. "You care about me?" You can hear my voice breaking and I almost can't keep my tears in. I bet my eyes are all glossy. Lizzie takes my face in her hands and looks in my eyes. "Of course I care about you. I wouldn't just kiss you and never talk to you again. Is that why you are drinking?" I just nod my head because I can't get words out of me. "Oh Y/N, please just talk to me in the future. I am sorry that I made the impression that I wasn't interested because I really am. I will tell you this, I haven't felt this happy in a while. You make me feel things that I have never felt before. I know that it is all very early and that this isn't exclusive yet but every time that you look at me or smile at me I get this butterflies in my stomach. Every time that you do something just for me I can't stop smiling for hours. All I can think about day and night is you so please don't ever think that I don't care about you because I do."

I just break out crying, I am balling my eyes out. Nobody has ever said something this nice and genuine to me. She really does care about me. Lizzie pulls me in for a hug and I don't want to let her go ever again. She means the world to me in such a short time and I will never behave so stupid as now. "I am so sorry for behaving like this. It's just that I have never had something like this with anyone and I kind of freaked out. I promise you that I will just talk to you in the future and not behave this childish." In an instant I am back to being sober, although not completely sober but also not drunk. "We need to learn things through life and this was just a bump but I really hope that you will just talk to me in the future. I will be here to talk to you and answer questions that you have even if I know that you won't like the answer but jut so you don't stay in the dark." Lizzie pulls me back in the hug and I melt in her arms. I almost can't keep my eyes open by how tired I became. After that panic attack earlier and now all the emotions I'm exhausted. "Are you tired?" Can she read my mind or something? I just nod and Lizzie lays herself on the bed and calls me to cuddle with her. I get almost fully on top of her and snuggle into her neck. She smells just like vanilla and suddenly vanilla is my favorite thing in the world. After a matter of seconds I feel myself falling in and out of sleep. I have never been a good sleeper and sometimes it takes hours to fall asleep but now that I am so tired I guess it is going to be easy.

Lizzie POV

I hate the fact that Y/N feels like she can't trust anyone and that she just bottles everything up. After I messaged her and she just read it but didn't respond I thought that I did something wrong so I called Aubrey. She immediately hung up and messaged me that she was driving to Y/N's house. Honestly, I kind of panicked real bad. I thought that something bad had happened so I jumped in my car and drove here. When I arrived Aubrey was already at the door talking to bitterly no one. When she saw me approaching her she just got a key out of her pocket and let me in the building. She didn't even tell me anything so I didn't know what to expect. It hurts me to saw her so broken and sad. I didn't know that she had an alcohol problem and I honestly don't know that it is the truth but seeing all this beer bottles and wine bottles really makes me think so. I shouldn't be judging but I just want to help her. Maybe it was just one time but I hope that she comes to me if she needs help.

Feeling her lying on top of me gives me a feeling of comfort. I love the way that she clings on to me like a koala and breaths in my neck. It is not sexual in any way but just being close to her brings me joy. I saw that she was almost falling asleep and I get that she is tired after such an emotional night so I told her to lay down with me. After I am laying here I keep thinking that this is maybe fast and that I am taking advantage of the situation. I slightly try to get up after she fell asleep but she just holds on tighter.

"Please don't leave me." My heart breaks after she says this. Aubrey told me a little about her and I know that she doesn't talk about her feelings at all and that she doesn't trust people with her problems. "I wouldn't dream of it." I give her a kiss on her forehead and see her drifting off to dreamworld. She sometimes murmurs things in her sleep and she is so freaking cute. I don't know how long it is since it is completely quiet here but I hear a door opening. I can't move because Y/N is laying on top of me but soon Aubrey comes in and I put my finger to my mouth to signal that she needs to be quiet. Aubrey comes closer and she just smiles at me. "Is she okay?" Aubrey whispers to me so that she doesn't wake Y/N up. "I don't know, we talked and I hope that she has an answer to her questions and that she knows that she can talk to me. It was a rough night for her but I think that she will get through it." Aubrey just nods and smiles. "And you?" What about me? I don't have anything to do with this. Y/N has a rough night not me. "I am fine. It is a little hard seeing her like this but I am glad that I could help her."

Y/N shifts a little and I take her closer to me and give her a little kiss on her forehead. I tilt my head back to Aubrey and see a flash. "Did you seriously take a picture!" Is she kidding me. Always doing shit like this. That's why Aubrey can't be serious for more than ten minutes. "I will send it to you. It is super cute so you will be thankful." I just chuckle and signal for Aubrey to leave so that Y/N can sleep in peace. Aubrey leaves and I feel my eyes getting heavy. I take one last look at Y/N and see her asleep so not to long after that I fall asleep myself.

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Hey guys, I worked long on this chapter and wrote it different so many times. I hope this makes a little sense but if it doesn't, you will in the future because it has to do with Y/N's past.

I'm sorry that it took so long to post but I hope that I am back and will write more.

I hope you all have a great day and like this chapter.