roll to decide your fate

acid tears

I wake up and throw on an outfit I was actually pleasently suprised with.

(Your outfit:)

I march downstairs and grab a granola bar from the cupboard.
I feel completely drained, physically and emotionally.

"Steve? Can you drive me to school please?"
I ask my clearly tired brother.

He rolls his eyes,
"Yeah I guess, we have to stop for henderson on the way though."

"Okay! Thank you!"

"You think me being graduated and all would give me a break from having to drive to that stupid school everyday, but here I am."
He roll his eyes again, must be extra cranky today.
I smile and slip him $15.

"Only for the rest of this year, then you'll only be taking your kids to school."

"Thanks y/n, at least you pitch in on gas. You need to get your own car soon."

"You only have one because you were mom and dads favorite."
It hurts to say, but it's true, they always favored him, they gave him everything, his own room in our old house, while I slept in the living room. Money so he could go hangout with his friends, and the car before they left.
Wanna know what they left me with?
Nothing.

Steve winces at what I said.

"I'm sorry, it's not your fault Steve."

"No, I'm sorry y/n, you deserved better from them."

"Well I didn't get it so it doesnt matter."
I cut the conversation short and grab my bag,
"I'll meet you in the car."

Steve takes me and Dustin through Mcdonalds before school, using the money I gave him.
I guess Steve can be a pretty decent brother when he tries, problem is, he doesnt try often.

Steve pulls up to the school and pops his car into park,
"Stay out of trouble, I'm looking at you y/n."

"yeah yeah."
I smile and wave as he drives off.

I walk to my first class and sink into my seat, dreading today.
Half an hour into class the school councilor comes into the class.

"May I please speak with y/n?"
She asks.
The whole class turns to look at me as I slowly stand up, embarrased.
She walks me to her office and begins a conversation about fear of rejection and abandoment.

"So when you were a child your parents emotionally negleted you?"

"Yeah.. I guess."

"How so?"
She pushes me, her tone sounding almost sarcastic.
I cringe, bringing myself back to my childhood.

"Well.. my mom was an alcoholic and was always just on the couch drinking, she'd scream at me whenever I tried approaching her, and my dad was always away at work. They loved Steve because he was old enough to take care of himself, so he got praised and loved and cared for,"
I start to tear up, "But I, I was so young I didnt understand why mommy didn't love me, so I pushed and pushed and pushed for years, because I wanted them to be proud of me... I wanted them to love me.. but each time they'd just yell at me more."

"Mommy! Look I drew a-"

"Shut the fuck up y/n! Get me a beer."
My mom yells at me.

I run across to the fridge and grab her a beer before running back to her and handing her the beer and my drawing.

"It's a cat.. for you."
I look up at her innocently.

"I fucking hate cats."
She growls before ripping the drawing up, right infront of my face.
I begin crying.

"It was an ugly drawing, leave me alone and go to your corner before I smack you upside the face."

I had a designated corner in the living room because I didnt have my own room.
This corner consisted of a small matress, a few small toys, paper and almost dry markers.

I break down and start crying.
"I'm the reason they left, it was all because of me, I was so self absorbed and selfish that they got sick of me and left-"
I interupt myself by sobbing.
We talk about why I think that, and how I cope.
before I know it 2 hours had passed and it was time for lunch.
We end the session and I go outside to light a cigarette.
Being alone out here I feel the need to cry more, let myself go and release the built up emotions.
I sit on the cement, puffing my cancer stick and sobbing.
I don't care if I get caught, I'm already so done.
I smoke 3 more before the bell rings, I wipe the remaining tears from my face and stamp out my smoke.

I walk into english and sigh as I rest my head on the desk.

"Rough day?"
The guy infront of me asks.

'Yeah, you could say that."
I lift my head, my eyes still red and puffy from crying.

"I never gave you my name yesterday, I'm Christopher."

"Y/n, nice to meet you."

Eddie enters the class and makes eye contact with me, I turn my focus back to Christopher.

"Nice to meet you too hot stuff."
He smiles at me.

I force a laugh, trying to hide the numbness i'm feeling.

"Thanks."

Miss O'donnel gives us a dumb assignment on like shakespear or something like that, I dont know, I'm not paying attention.

"Find your smokes last night?"
Eddie leans over and whispers.

"No."

He chuckles.

I just sink down in my seat further, lacking the energy to argue today.

"Was the princess crying? You look like shit."
Eddie retorts.

I push myself out of my seat and walk towards the door without saying anything.
I feel as if I'm gonna explode, my emotions build up and pressurize in my chest.
"Y/n, sit back down."
Miss O'donnell orders.

"I cant-"

"Yes you can, back to your desk."

I stare at her in disbelif as my eyes fill with angry, acid tears.

"Now!"

I spin around and slug back to my seat as the students around us snicker.
Eddie looks over at me, a weird expression on his face.
I let the tears pricking at my eyes fall as I put my head down and silently sob, my tears burning my face as they stream down my warm cheeks.

"Psst, y/n."
Eddie whisper yells at me.

"What?"
I hiss out at I look up at him, tears staining my face.

"Nice Iron Maiden shirt."

What the fuck? Thats the second time he's complimented my shirt, he's so weird.

"Whatever."