The Search

Chapter 38.

Jade

Day 20, evening.

After dinner everyone separated into their rooms to get some sleep after a long day.  Everyone is tired from running around and tracking through the thick snow. 

As I'm shutting off the lights I notice James is out on the balcony.  It seems like he's smoking.

I sigh and head out wrapping a blanket around myself so I don't freeze my bare arms off. 

"I thought I told you to quit 20 years ago." I step up beside him.

He glances at me but then looks back out onto the lake again.  He lifts his hand inhaling the fumes and softly taps it against the railing after.

"I did." He speaks roughly blowing the smoke out.  "For you, when you were twelve.  But then you left and I needed something to cope with."

I look down at the snow below us.  As much as I had good reasons to run away, I feel guilty because it affected them a lot more than I thought it would. 

James smoking again tells me a lot more than I knew before.  That I was that person who lifted weight off his shoulders, from the mafia or just life in total.  When I left, he felt like he had no one. 

I understand because he did the same for me, even though his way of showing it was tough love. 

"I'm sorry I left the way I did." I clear my throat tucking the blanket closer to me. "I-"

"You missed Mama's funeral." He interrupts.  "I don't care how you left Jade, I care that you left Mama like that.  Us kids, you specifically, were her heart and soul. She was crushed." He shakes his head crushing the cigarette on the railing.

"I didn't miss her funeral." I state, "I was there the whole time, just no one was looking for me that day.  I was in plain sight actually, I sat two rows behind you."

He finally looks at me, his eyes sullen and red.  It almost makes me break down right then and there.  Tears swarm in his eyes and I try to reach forward but he backs away swiping at them angrily.

Of course he's angry because no mafia man is supposed to cry or show any type of emotion in his point of view, fuck their masculinity in my opinion.

"Why don't you let yourself feel anything?" I ask grabbing his arm roughly, and pull him towards me.

He throws his back, "I have, with you and you ran away stomping all fucking over it like I didn't matter."

I guess James has always been more vulnerable than people think, he puts this wall up and tries to push people away. 

He's done it with his kids, his brother, his mother and the only person who he was open with, was me.  I guess I did fuck up, because I left him in a way that destroyed his trust in everyone.

"I'm sorry." I shake my head grabbing his face to look at mine.  "I'm here now, I can help you open up again James but you have to realize I had to get out of that god damn house. Please," I plead. 

He thinks for a moment, his eyes search my face for any sort of fib.  He eventually softens closer to me, "is that why I felt you there?" He asks.

"What?"

"At the funeral, I could feel you, It felt like you were there but I called myself insane.  I thought about you always having tea parties with Mama or when you would drag me into it as well.  But you were there, for her and I."

"Of course I was." I whisper, pulling him back to sit on the rocking bench. I curl up beside him laying by his side. 

Four down, one to go. 

He lays his head sideways on top of mine and I drape the blanket over the both of us.  "I really needed you during my marriage." He smiles and I feel it against the crown of my forehead.

I laugh, "was it bad?"

He hums and begins rocking the chair forward and backward.  But his voice changes, going serious. "Sometimes I feel bad my boys won't have their mother in their lives, but I also feel bad I'm so happy they won't have her in their lives."

"What did she do?" I lean back look at his eyes that look past the trees and onto the lake again.  I've never seen him so desperate, with worry in his eyes. 

"She was a monster." He whispers.  "she just didn't care and she was a gold digger and I don't know." He shakes his head.  "I guess I could've used your advice.

"My advise now, is to be everything for your boys, alright?" I ruffle his pristine hair and stand up.  "They need you more than ever, and you need them."

He nods and I can tell he's going to stay out for a bit longer so I lean down and kiss his forehead.  I head inside to finally get some sleep.