The Search

Chapter 44.

TV- Billie Eilish
It'll Be Okay- Shawn Mendes
Need you Now- Lady A

"Dad! Dad!"

I gasp waking up to the sound of Alex's voice.  I rub a hand down my face wiping the sleep away from my eyes.

I sit up on the chair leaning forward to check on Sophie who is smiling softly at me.  Jade is beside her almost squeezing the life out of her. 

I smile back taking Lexi from Alex and lean forward with her so she can sit beside Sophie.  Being here with everyone feels better than ever, I don't know how I'll trust letting her out of the house alone ever again. 

But reality strikes at my time in peace.  "Soph I have to tell you something." I whisper and tears immediately gather in my eyes.

——————-

5 weeks later

Nikolai

"Baby." I whisper against her hair, "Soph are you ready to go out?"

She nods leaning back and wipes the smudged makeup away from beneath her eyelids.  Jade grabs her hand pulling her into a last hug before leading her towards the door.

Alex is waiting outside in the hall, tears falling. He throws a arm around her shoulders and whispers words of encouragement in her ear. 

She's doing much better now than when we first got home from the hospital. She never left her room, she awoke from nightmares constantly. Jade and I ended up going back and forth sleeping beside her just in case she needs someone.

We are still alternating but she has brightened a little bit more over the last couple of weeks.

We walk down what seems like an endless hallway, dark and miserable, bearing the weight of death all around. 

When we arrive, the casket stands out across the room more than anything.  This whole service will be like a huge reminder, a mistake I shouldn't have made.

Kits Mother sits in the front row, chin trembling as she tries to hold herself together.  She's always been like that I guess, resolved, quiet and dismissive. 

Sophie walks past the rows and stops a few feet in front of the casket.  I follow and step up beside her, assuming the role of a supportive Father. But does she need more than that?

"I don't think I can do it." She whispers.

"You don't have to face him now, but when you're ready." I respond back taking her hand and kissing the back of it. 

She lean forward at first but her feet respond by finally taking the last couple of steps towards Kit.  Her hands grip the edge of the wood, turning white. 

They cleaned him up well from what I can tell, his face is natural and his skin is bright.  He resumes to be the little boy I met over ten years ago.  Innocent and simple minded. 

The gunshot wound is there but not clear but I'll see it in my dreams for the rest of my life. 

Sophie's eyes land on his ring, their promise ring and what was supposed to represent their future. 

She suddenly falls, breaking into sobs.  I react too slowly for my liking, but I hadn't seen it coming,  I should be there to catch her.

I go on my knees beside her enclosing her in a hug, "he's wearing the ring, our ring," she sobs.

"He always will be Sophie, until the end honey." I say into her hair tears falling as well.  "He'll be looking after you, and holding you even though sometimes you may not feel it."

"I want him to hold me now, I want him to be awkward and to make dumb jokes, I want him to stay home sick with me every time even though he shouldn't."

"I know Soph." I whisper, "I'm so sorry darling."

—————-

During the funeral rounds of tears come and go more than ever.  Jade and I have almost finished a whole box of tissues. 

By the time Sophie goes up, I'm all out and I'm crying more heavy then before. 

She begins by clearing her throat, "I wanted to share a little story about Kit from when we were younger, around the age of  thirteen just heading into junior high."

She closes her eyes taking a deep breath and then begins, "I was around the age of becoming a woman, having heard of it by other girls and after having had the talk with my Mother, I thought I was well prepared for when it would come."

She flips the page over. 

"Except no one tells you how actually nerve wracking the whole experience is, feeling terrified something is wrong with you because you're in pain, you're hungry, you're full, you're tired, you're energetic and yet you're grumpy all at the same time."

She wipes remaining tears adjusting her head so it is still held high.  "Kit understood the feeling, having lost his Dad at a young age. He had experienced emotions far beyond anyone's knowledge.  Kit sat beside me on the cold tiled floor retelling the story like he had memorized a script.  It felt like someone else's story, but it was all his just the same."

She flips the page again, "he had told me 'nothing hurts more than going to bed hoping he will come back but waking up and remembering hopes did nothing for reality."

She holds a hand up to her lips, her face scrunching into a sob like she's trying to hold it back, but she can't. "I go to bed hoping I'll get a morning text from him or he'll come bursting though the dining room door at breakfast, excited to start another day.  Another day hopefully with me." She sobs. 

"But I wake up, again and again as reality strikes
so clearly.  I have nothing more to say beyond the fact that I will continue to love him, I will continue to do so much for him because even if hope does nothing for reality- he would say 'you must move on'. I need him, but I will also be okay and as our memories live forever, I'll live as long as I can for him." She flips her notebook closed.

There's this rock determined look on her face, one I haven't seen before, one I don't think I ever wanted to see.  It looks as though she's about to commit a murder.