Finding You(Completed To Be Continued)

Chanda ko taakon raaton mein,Hai zindagi tere hathon mein

Dear Shehnaaz,

"Aaj bahut dino bad meri diary ke panne(pages) palte hai jaise ki khud apne dil ke panne palatna chahta hoon,jaise khud ki zindagi ki sudh leni ho jisme tum aur main...hum shamil hai...,jaise mere tumhare darmiyaan jo bhi ankaha(unsaid) reh gaya hamesha se...wo yahan in safed kore kagaz(white blank pages) me batane ,likhne sun ne ,sunane aaya hoon .....jaise ye dairy meri sathi ban gayi ho fir se...par meri sacchi sathi to tum thi na Baby...Shehnaaz??...wo sathi badal gaya?!!fir aaj wapas is dairy ko maine sathi kaise bana liya?".

"...tumse bolna chahta hoon bahut kuch...par shabd jaise dil ke andhere kone me kahin mar se gaye hai aur main bejuban ho gaya hoon..tumhare  bina!?Sidharth apni Shehnaaz ki bina.....wapas zinga honge kya?..isliye aaj fir se ye bejuban diary ka sahara le raha hoon...isse meri Shehnaaz samajh raha hoon kya? ya smajah loon ye bejubaan diary mere liye tum ho?...possible nahi hai na...kyonki Shehnaaz to ek hi hai na...jeeti jagti jindadil...bebak...par shayad wo Shehnaaz meri nahi hai!! wo to kisi aur ki  Sana haui.. ..uski ki Guchpu ..aur na jane kaun kya kya hai!...aur main...main kaun hoon...ek anjaan ajnabi....?".

"Pata hai...naumeed ...may be harsh aur khud se juda baatein kar raha hoon,Par kya karoon ye dairy hi bas mujhe sunti hai..bina kisi judgement ke...bina jhuuth sach bole hue....as it's my mirror....which I considered you as mine...my mirror...mera hum saya,jo tum ban gayi thi...tab se jab se tumse pyar hua...par fir pata chala wo mera aaina to jhuttha tha..aur wo aaina toot gaya waise hi jaise kal hamari shadi ki tasweer toot kar tukdon me bikhar gayi......so I have found this diary where I can pour my heart again...".

"I am sure you will too find such confidant again....oh...tumhara wo hum saya...wo raazdaar sathi to main nahi koi aur tha na hamesha se....main nahi..mera kya hai..ye diary ke pannon me apni zindagi doondh raha hoon...par kitne panne palatne par hamare dil ki baatein khul kar samne aayengi?...aayengi bhi ya nahi....?..waise hi jaise un(wool) ka  ek sira(corner) udherne(open) par doosre sare sire khul jate hai....kya waisa hi hog hamare sath..jo toota hai wo fir se jud jayega...jo bekhra hai wo simat jayega ga ya aur ulajh kar fir sulajh kar door ho jayenge?..ek sira main..aur doosra sira tum?!!..

"Maa kehti hai hum dono ek doosre se bahut alag hai isliye ek doosre ko complete karte hai...strangely rare and beautiful!.....par kya hum dono ek doosre ke poorak hai?..kya hum ek hi dil ka ek atoot door hai ya wo do chhor par door door rehne wale do sire, ya kinare......hahah...hassi aa rahi hai khud par....kya hi bol raha hoon,kr raha hoon...I have always been a confident,practical and determined soul......par ab sab kuch vague dikhta hai...tumhare ek jhooth ya kaho sacch ne mujhe khud se alhada,juda kar diya hai...ab sab samajh se pare hai...confuse ho gaya hoon...infact shadi ke bad first time ye diary kholi hai...kyonki...jisse apnmi sari baatein keh subn sakoon...sathi to meri tum thi na...aur tumhare sath waqt hi kahn milta tha is diary ko kholne ka...so here I am again...with thi...sadly....aaj raat fir neend nahi aayegi kal ki tarah...raat bhi apni nahi lagti...aur din...wo to jaise kat hi nahi raha...".

"kasoor mera hai...jaisa ki maa ne kaha..main bahut jyada soch raha hoon...she said,...itni bhi badi bat nahi jitna main react kar raha hoon..and ultimately I am hurting myself..and I need to be mature...kitni azeeb baat hai na..unko bhi sab pata tha...sirf mujhe tumne batana jaruri nahi samjha...kyon?..You must be knowing right?..and I know main hadd se jyada possessive ho raha hoon....but it's me and I am somehow not able to come to terms with it..I am hurting you...me ..us..but andar ek aag si jal rahi hai..jisme sare sapne..hamara future jal kar rakh ho gaya ho jaise...?".

"Par is dil ka chain tum hi ho...is dil ki me jo jalan aur aag hai uski thandhak tumse hi hai...mere din raat...sab tumse..I m slowly dying baby...tumhare bina jina nahi aata Shehnaaz".

Tujh bin jogan meri raatein
Tujh bin mere din banjare
Mera jeevan jalti dhooni
Bujhe bujhe mere sapne saare

Tere bina meri
Mere bina teri
Yeh zindagi zindagi na
Tere bina bhi kya jeena