Back to You

Taken

Conrad was deep asleep on my lap, but I was still awake. I kept replaying the things he'd said to me in my mind, especially the part about how he regretted letting me go. Words that I had given up on ever hearing after that rainy night when we had all stopped at that motel to wait out the storm.

I knew Jere would keep from Conrad how wrecked I'd been after he left. His leaving was a gift to Jeremiah. It had allowed him to be with just me and not part of a triangle. I hadn't realized till that road trip with Jeremiah how long he'd been holding back feelings for me. Almost as long as I'd been harboring feelings for Conrad. 

In hindsight, I probably should have just walked away from both of them, but Jeremiah had been my rock in the months following Conrad's dismissal of me from his life. I'd leaned on him, and he'd never let me down, not once, unlike Conrad, who had perfected the act of leaving me.

 In the hardest time of my life, I knew I could depend on Jeremiah to pick me up and put me back together. That's where my love for him grew. The kind of love I believed would last a lifetime.

My love for Conrad? It had always been there. It wasn't a sudden thing. It was an evolving thing that sprouted early and grew deeper with every summer. Conrad's love was my future, even when I didn't want it to be. It stuck like taffy in my teeth, always leaving behind a little of the sweetness for later. But it could be bitter too. It was the kind of love that pummelled you like a wave. When you tried to fight it, it would inevitably take you under because it was never controlled. 

My relationship with Jeremiah was controlled. I know that because I controlled it. I ensured my feelings were never too hard for me to handle. I never fully gave myself to him emotionally because I had promised myself that no one would ever consume me the way Conrad had. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks to realize that while I loved Jeremiah, I never really let our relationship grow any stronger than the bond we'd shared as children. 

Was Conrad a part of the reason I held back? Probably. But I think deep down, a big part of it was that I knew I'd settled with Jere. I'd accepted and believed that I'd got it all wrong with Conrad and that it had been Jere I was meant to be with all along, even if the feelings weren't quite as intense but more like a  comfortable, safe space to land.

Being with Conrad was never going to be safe. Just addicting and unpredictable. Which is why I could never fully let him go. He was my drug of choice, and I craved his attention. Even when it shattered my heart. 

The sad part was that Jeremiah had figured out my addiction and his status in my heart way before I had, and he'd still stayed. When he'd called me out on it on the day of our almost wedding, I understood then that he'd been hiding his unhappiness from me for a very long time. 

I didn't want to go back there to that time, but I couldn't help it. Memories can do that to you, popping up when you least expect them or worse, when you're trying to hold them back. 

Flashback:

Here I was on my wedding day. And it was already playing out like a daytime soap opera. Conrad had told me the night before that he still loved me, and no one could find Jeremiah. He'd taken off after I had told him about Conrad's confession to me. 

I'd tried to stop him, but he'd been heated. I'd never seen him like that before, and I was pretty sure then that I'd blown up any chance of his marrying me by telling him the truth.

Time was running short and we were only about an hour away from the ceremony when Steven had come by and told me that Conrad had found Jeremiah, and he was back. 

I remember how my heart had felt squeezed and conflicted as Jeremiah walked into the room. 

He was playing at being just regular old happy-go-lucky Jere, but he was different, and his voice was strained.  I ran to him as soon as he entered the room, but he'd only half hugged me, no full-body crush that he usually gave me.