Back to You

Nobody's Forever But Yours

As I sat at 3 am looking at my phone, I began to text something but then stopped myself, erased it, and started all over again. 

I'd found out last night that Conrad had taken Belly and left. To where I had no idea, but the reason for leaving - I knew that rested solely on me. I'd been horrible to Conrad.

To be fair, I believed I would have handled Conrad's new status as boyfriend to Belly a lot differently if I'd been given a heads-up. It was the surprise of seeing them together that had sent me spiraling into a space where I'd been unable to process what I'd been feeling fast enough to put the brakes on my bad behavior. 

It wasn't like Conrad was mine in any way, shape, or form. He hadn't been with me for several months now. But we were friends who shared a lot and relied on each other. The truth is I knew it was me who had been holding on for something deeper, not him. He'd let go of me as anything other than a friend the moment Belly had gone from his biggest heartbreak to a possibility again when she'd started writing him back from Spain.

In retrospect, I should have known something was different when the texting between us had stopped. Even my Merry Christmas had been met with just a 'you too' response. Conrad had told me that he was going to the beach house to get away from his family for Christmas - what he hadn't told me about was his plan to meet Belly there. So maybe I had felt a bit betrayed even though I had no right to.

I couldn't help but wonder if  I was the only one. I couldn't imagine his brother had rolled with this news. They had barely been on speaking terms anyway. 

Still processing in my mind what to say to Conrad, I decided just to keep it simple.

Mad: Conrad. I'm so sorry about our argument yesterday. I was out of line. I shouldn't have treated you like that.

Satisfied, I hit send. 

***********************************************************************

Conrad was still asleep, and I was sitting in the living room window seat with some cushy pillows behind my back and a light blanket spread across my legs. Someday I wanted a window seat just like this in my future home. It was the perfect place to reflect and read a good book while sipping your coffee. It was the type of space that could bring you peace.

And I needed that peace after reading Madison's text. 

I hadn't meant to pry, but Conrad's phone was on the nightstand next to me instead of him, and I thought a text at 3 am might be important.  He had one of those notification holds, so the message didn't disappear right away, so it wasn't like I had to jailbreak his phone to get into it - the message was just right there. 

And it wasn't like it was long or heartfelt. It was just to the point 'she was sorry.' So why did it affect me so deeply?

It wasn't like I didn't have male friends, even ones I'd dated, like Zach, who I was still close to, or Theo, who still wanted to date me. I mean... I had my Madison's for sure. But knowing how I felt about them vs. what I felt for Conrad was enough for me not to need them in my life if it would be hard for Conrad. Was that what I wanted from him, to exile Madison from his life? Was that even fair of me to ask? I mean, when did I become that girl? Possessiveness and jealousy - those were emotions closely connected to distrust of your partner. I had no reason not to trust Conrad, not one. 

"Hey, why are you up so early?" I heard Conrad say, and I looked over from my current view of the rain-soaked city to see him standing in the doorway of the bedroom, the comforter from the bed wrapped around him, looking sexy as hell with his bedhead hair and sleepy grin. 

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep," I said. 

Conrad walked over to me now and stood in front of me. "Did the rain wake you up?"