Back to You

The Bonds That Bind Us

Conrad and I weren't doing a surfing lesson today because he and Jeremiah had decided to do an overnight fishing trip. The boys used to do them all the time growing up, so it was nice to see Conrad and Jeremiah holding on to that tradition. 

After taking them to the dock and seeing them off, Taylor and I hit the store to get supplies for our girl's night together. I was excited to be spending some quality time with Taylor doing our nails, eating all sorts of things that were bad for us, and indulging in a cute rom-com or two. 

Over the years, Taylor had truly become my very best and most irreplaceable friend. I'd never thought growing up that I'd have a person as important to me as Susannah had been to my mom, but Taylor and I were in deep now. We completely loved and needed the bond that we shared now. We were lifers. 

I think I'd really started to feel this incredible closeness to her after my break up with Conrad at the prom, but it had intensified immensely after Susannah's death. When I needed her the most, she dropped everything to be there. 

Unlike me with Conrad. Afraid to see him, I'd left him to grieve alone. 

Flashback: 

I learned about Susannah's death early in the morning. I'd immediately felt a sense of loss but guilt as well, knowing that I'd let a call from Conrad go to voicemail. I'd thought at the time he was probably drunk if he was calling me so early, and I was still reeling from our breakup at the prom. I wanted to work things out with him... I really did, but not in the early morning hours after he'd been drinking. Drunk Conrad said things he'd pretend later not to remember. Even though I knew he remembered everything when he drank. 

It had been a huge miscalculation on my part, as my own return phone call had gone unanswered. I played the voicemail he left a thousand times after trying to alleviate my guilt, but every push of the button to start it over made me feel ten times worse.

His voicemail had been short and emotion-filled... like he was dying himself.  All he'd said was, "I guess you're still upset with me. Never mind... this was a dumb idea... I shouldn't have called." And then his voice had caught like he was trying not to cry, followed by dead silence, and in that silence, he'd sighed and hung up. 

After finding out the news and finally playing his voicemail, I texted Taylor, not wanting to wake her but wanting her to know. She had shown up at my house that next morning her hair still in the soft rollers she'd been sleeping in so she could wake up to wavy hair in the morning, no makeup on, and a coffee for both Steven and me. 

Taylor had stayed all day listening to me and holding me while I cried. And all I could think about was my mom and wondering who was there to hold her while she cried and who was there to comfort the boys... who was there to make sure Conrad wasn't internalizing everything because that person used to be me. 

I had tried calling one more time that day, but Conrad hadn't answered, and I hadn't been strong enough to leave a voicemail. 

I'd solidified my relationship with Taylor that day - the same day I felt I disintegrated the one I used to have with Conrad. 

"Cinderbelly, are you listening to me?" I heard Taylor say now, and I turned to her.

"Not really," I admitted. 

I was putting away the rest of our supplies while Taylor was flipping through the movies we had at the beach house. 

"I said everything is black and white here. Maybe we should hit the video store," Taylor replied. 

Even though I was a fan of the classics, I knew Taylor wasn't. This was my Susannah moment, my chance to convert her to the beauty of black-and-white romantic comedies. I walked over and began flipping through the titles with her trying to stir her interest. It took about ten minutes to realize I had failed.