Back to You

Heads or Tails

I felt like the luckiest guy alive right now. It had taken many years to get to this night, but the ticket was worth the price of admission.

Belly saying she loved me had exploded my world in the most perfect of ways. We were both processing this progression when the urge to be closer lit a spark of desire between us. I wanted to feel her in my arms, to touch her skin, to kiss her lips, to have her touching me.

As I gently lay her back on my bed, her love for me shining in her eyes, it just felt so right to want to connect on a deeper physical level than we had experienced with each other before.

I began to explore her body cautiously at first, but then with a need to feed our connection. I could feel her tremble under my touch—our fated desire for each other heightening the moment. Even though we both knew it shouldn't go any further than this tonight, we pushed the boundaries anyway. Her touch branded my skin and sent shivers of wanting coursing through me. Her kisses on my chest and neck were as lethal as too much alcohol.

We were quickly careening to a place that would be hard to pull back from.

It was a pivotal moment where we needed to stop but f*** me; I didn't want to. I wanted to keep feeling Belly's skin, inhaling her scent, and kissing every inch of her body. I was dizzy with wanting because of her nearness.

"Conrad," Belly said breathlessly and pushed away from me a little now. "We can't... not like this."

It was enough to stop me. To make me apologetic.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I was looking into her eyes to convey my truth. I was not going to rush her into anything.

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The last thing I or my body wanted Conrad to do was to stop. I wanted more than anything to surrender to his expert touch to feel our intense desire to be with each other fulfilled, but I'm being honest here. I stopped Conrad because I got scared by that same uncontrolled intensity.

I was in completely foreign territory once again.

I'd taken things this far with Jeremiah, truthfully even farther, but it had been so much easier to stop with him.

The truth is that being with Jeremiah had never scared me. I had always felt so safe and secure in his arms. I'm not saying there was no passion with Jeremiah - there was. But it had been a slow and steady burn, with room to breathe and consider the next actions and if I wanted to go there. With Conrad, my brain had no time to process how he affected me. He was wild and heated and invested... so invested. When his skin touched mine, it became impossible to breathe.

I couldn't even fully recollect when his shirt, or mine for that matter, had come off. It had happened so fast and furious without regret. And the funny thing was, I started it. I wanted so badly to feed my need for him, and he'd been the one to hesitate at first... I did remember that. But I was a girl on a mission at that moment.

It was like fighting a fire that was burning me up from the inside out, and when he touched me, my body reacted, arching toward him instinctively, knowing that he had so much more to offer if I would just let him.

So why had I been the one to push him away? I was definitely sending mixed signals.

I could feel my breathing starting to even out again as Conrad lightly kissed my cheek.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

I wasn't, but I also didn't know exactly how to explain to him why I wasn't. I mean, this was what I'd wanted my whole life, to be with him. But being with someone who has the power to break you and leave you crushed when they go is a lot different from being with someone who will be next to you in the day-to-day routine.