SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 45
SIMPHIWE
I fought every tooth and nail to keep them both alive. I took a huge risk in keeping the baby. I know if I had decided and thought of Nozi alone it would have sounded selfish. Couldn't bear the thought of her hating me for the worst. I am always at the hospital hoping for her to wake up anytime. I am always hoping for miracles these days. But none ever get fulfilled. The doctors even decided to do a c-section on her while she is still in a coma. Again, I declined. I want Nozi to be wide awake when the baby gets delivered. I have lost so much weight that most of the clothes do not fit me that well. I am losing myself along the line – but never neglect my kids. The cash I have is running out and I will be insolvent soon. I cannot touch what Jele gave me without Nozi’s approval. She will probably think I wanted Jele to departure so that I could misuse it. That is just not the plan at all. All I want is for Nozi to wake up and for the baby to be well.
“Today she seems much better compared to other days. I applaud the liver you have. You have a strong sense of humor and you do not give up easily.” The doctor says.
“I have no choice.” He nods his head and checks on her BP. My hand is always entwined with hers. I am afraid that if I get to let go of her hand, she will die on me. What would my life be without her? Empty for so many reasons. When we resist our fears or any emotion for that matter, we gain momentum. But that is not the point at the moment. Marital vows - sighs. It's what I am holding on to. We promised to love each other in sickness and health, if we both shall live through the good and the bad times. The day we made those vows, it was unfathomable to think that there could be a time when one of us might no longer be alive. And that thought alone scares me to death. I have heart palpitations thinking of the possibilities of ending up alone. It is not unreasonable to worry as we get older. Sooner or later, we shall have to accept that one of us might leave this world sooner than one expected. It can be especially difficult for couples who have been together for decades to imagine the prospect of ever having to live alone. And it makes sense for a woman whose life partner is a male life partner to fear he will die before her. I kiss the back of her hand and smile emotionally.
“I have lost before, and I do not believe in losing again. Many people have lost before, and so many have learned to love again. To heal. To move forward. I want that so badly but with you, and I am working on achieving that every day. I know I have no right to ask, but please, please be patient with me. I am healing my mind while trying to find myself again. I am healing the way I think its best – with you by my side. I am healing from the shock and total despair. But you, you are healing my heart. Seeing your face alone heals me to the best. And it might take time for you to trust that. It might take time for you to believe that something good can happen to us. I am not going to push, but I will be here with you step by step regardless of the situation.” I speak. I do not know how to do this, But I need to go pick my kids up from the daycare. Maybe being around them will ease me from the depression and anxiety I'm in. Whole four months and there has not been any change. I walk out with a heavy heart. I take time collecting myself in the car before I get to drive out. Tears just falling one after another. I am hurting and it hurts. I haven't seen my family in ages, and no one cares if I am surviving or not. I have learnt to live without them. I take a deep breath.
“Zuri, please not my remote.” I swear this child knows how to keep me on my toes. She just smiles and says nothing. Again, how did Nozi keep up with all of this? I have no idea. I look at Fihliwe sitting on the floor playing with her toys and I just smile. As much as my life took another turn – my kids will always be the best. The doorbells ring. I assume it’s the nanny. She sometimes comes around to wash the kids' clothing and do their hair. I am grateful for her. I learnt the hard way – having a stay in nanny will never be a good thing for me. I am still fighting my demons. I open the door and find Bagqibile standing outside with Sizile. She looks different.
“Wow.” She does really look cute. I haven't seen my daughter in months, but I do call from time to time just to check up on her. She gaps when her eyes trail down to my body.
“You have lost weight.” She says out of shock. I stepped aside and let her in.
“Yes, the stress I am under in.” I say. She takes a deep breath and sits on the couch opposite me.
“Whatever it is, I hope you heal and move on from it.” she tells me making me frown. “The main reason for me being here is that I want you to look after Sizile for me. I have a date and her nanny is not around. So...”
“You have a date?”
“Yes,” she smiles. I am happy for her
“I really need to see this man that is making my baby mama glow this much.”
“It’s too soon.” Look at her blushing.
“All in all, I am happy for you. Go out there and live a little. Know how it feels like to be loved genuinely by a man that only belongs to you. But just make sure that you are dating a man that will love Sizile like his own since I do not live with her.” I say. I do not trust any male near my female kids.
“Will keep that in mind.” She looks at the wristwatch and stands up. “I should get going.” I led her to the door. The first time me and Bagqibile get to be in one room and get to have a conversation without throwing a fit. I smile. She has grown and I like the new her. Hopefully this man will help her take her claws off me. I do not see myself going back to square one. I sit on the couch and look at my girls. Lord really blessed me, but I so wish that one of them belonged to Nozi. My phone chimes talking me out of my thoughts. It’s an international number.
“I need a place to stay. Can you please lend me one of your bedrooms.” There is only one person who would ask for a room and that is Masindi. Why does she not go to her parents' house. My mind is occupied with everything. I will not text back. Lord knows I do not want any entanglements right now. I just want to live a peaceful life without any drama lurking around. I must resist and fight temptations from afar. Maybe a reply will do. Make her aware that I will not be able to help her with anything. She has a home after all.
“Sorry, house is filled with kids. No space.” I click on send. She reads immediately and then starts typing. I click on the exit button. I do not want to hear her response. It was right and fine the time she had communication with Nozi. I didn’t have to deal with her. Lord knows how I wish I could just change my life and remove every wrong turn, but I can't. I must face all the consequences of the outcome. I look at my watch, the nanny is a bit late today. I am not too sure whether my sleepiness will hold on. I am extremely tired. I just need to take a nap for an hour or two then go back to the hospital. That is where my life has been lately.
