"Where do you want to go?" Dean asked, his voice nervous as we exited the hotel room.
"I don't know," I answered, just as nervous. He opened the door of the black car that had belonged to his father for me, stalling just a moment too long before closing the door.
The drive was silent, not even the radio on to fill the uncomfortable quiet.
"Where are we going?" I finally asked, hoping to start a conversation.
"We're going to get sandwiches and then I'm going to take you somewhere private so we can talk."
I sighed quietly. I knew agreeing to lunch meant agreeing to talking, but I had hoped he would be too nervous to say anything about the elephant in the room. I didn't fight with him, though. I knew we needed to talk, I just wasn't sure what I was going to say. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't sure where to begin. I leaned my head against the window, watching the scenery as Dean drove.
—
I recognized the path we were taking as the one that would lead us to the cliff. I smiled, trying to cover my mouth so he couldn't see.
"I'm surprised you remember this." I said, playing with the paper bag in my lap.
"Why?"
"I don't know. I guess I convinced myself you didn't care, so this place would be irrelevant."
Dean rolled his eyes as he put the car in park, reaching over to grab his food out of the bag in my lap. I got out of the car, going to sit on the grass behind where he had parked. He gave me an odd look, but followed me, sitting next to me and taking a bit of his sandwich.
"So."
"So." he repeated.
"You wanted to talk, you start."
He nodded, chewing his food slowly. After he swallowed, he stayed quiet. Right as I was about to prompt him again, he spoke up.
"I can't make up an excuse for what happened. I left because my dad grabbed me and made me leave, but dammit, I should have fought harder to stay with you, or at least say goodbye. You deserved more than a stupid phone call, you deserve more than I will ever be able to give you. But fuck it if I didn't love you. You meant everything to me. And it's been years without me not even trying to contact you, and I'm sorry. I have no excuse for that besides the fact that I thought you hated me, and I convinced myself you had probably moved on, and wouldn't want to see me- Dammit, Audrey, don't look at me like that."
"Like what?" I was genuinely confused.
"Like you're preparing to forgive me."
"You don't want forgiveness?"
"No- I mean yes! I do want your forgiveness, but, I don't know, I guess I wanted you to make me beg for it."
I opened my mouth and closed it, trying to hide my blush as my thoughts were clouded by the potential double meaning of the words. But looking at him, I knew Dean was being honest, not at all trying to hint at the other meaning.
"Okay, then let me talk." I sat up, trying to find where to start. I looked at the grass beneath me, gathering my thoughts. "I was so mad at you," I said finally. "And I was... humiliated. You were the only person I was looking for when I walked down those stairs on my seventeenth birthday, and when I found out you had left, it felt like time stopped. Not just time, but... everything. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like when you left, you took all of my air with you. And when I ran upstairs, I truly did want to be alone, but when Klaus came to comfort me, oh my God, I wished it was you. I became the girl I detested- The one who gave herself to a boy and lost herself when he left. And I hated you for it. You gave me the best summer of my life, and then in an instant, you ruined everything."
Dean clenched his jaw, nodding once. He opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.
"But I believe you. I believe you when you say that you're sorry, and that you wish you would have fought harder. I know it wasn't entirely your fault. You were seventeen, you had to go with your dad. So, yeah, you definitely have something to apologize for, but I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I only blamed you when you weren't the only one at fault, and I'm sorry I've been cold to you since the day you almost hit me with your car again- God, what's with you and trying to kill me?- and I'm sorry I said I don't love you anymore."
"So you do? Love me, I mean."
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "Like I said, you ruined everything. And I've done so well at keeping you and those feelings in the past. If anyone else were asking me, I would say no, I don't. But I have to look at you to say that, and I can't bring myself to say that to you and mean it."
He nodded, looking down at the grass. Slowly, he extended his arm to take my hand in his. He repositioned himself so he had my hand in between both of his, playing with my fingers. "I'm sorry," he said, not meeting my eyes. "I didn't mean to come back and screw everything up. I shouldn't have even asked you if you still feel that way, I mean, who does that? You're obviously happy with Klaus, and I didn't mean to-"
"What?"
"What?" he repeated, confused.
"I'm not- we're not- no. Klaus and I aren't..."
"Oh." he bit his lip to try to hide his smile. "Sorry, I guess I kind of assumed because of when I was at the house, and- yeah, not important."
I laughed lightly, shaking my head. I let myself appreciate the feeling of his hands around mine, staying quiet.
"So you forgive me then? It's all behind us?"
"I'm willing to try to start over," I said slowly, picking my words carefully. "But I'm not saying that we're going to go back to how it used to be."
"That's okay. I'll wait."
—
this took fOREVER I'M SO SORRY
and idk if this is all that good tbh i wanted to make it better but i couldn't figure out out sigh
anyWAY
i missed you guys a lot :-)
ok also idk if any of you remember me saying this many chapters ago but i've never been on a date or done the official boyfriend thing sO if you guys could comment cute date ideas that would be great. i'll dedicate the chapter to you if i use your idea but pls just help me out bc i'm trash when it comes to that kinda stuff
SPN FINALE SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!
what did you guys think of the finale? personally, i loved it. i was a sobbing mess when i thought dean was going to kill sam and oH MY GOD a small (lmao no it was large) part of me died when he said "close your eyes sammy" uGH
and i know that death is dead (r.i.p. my love) and that crowley might be dead (hopefully not r.i.p. bc he's loml) and cas might have a spell on him making him go kill crazy and that rowena is all powerful and that they might've just broken the world by getting the mark off of dean but i'm just so happy to have my baby back like fxxxxxxck i missed dean sm can we have a party bc he's back pLS
ok that's all sorry i'm annoying much love for all of you (and pls comment date ideas) bYE
