The Things I Never Said Out Loud

Friday, July 29th, 2022

I am the best friend. The friend that will loan you $20 for gas and not expect you to give it back. The friend that will walk your dogs in the middle of the night while you’re at work even though I am scared of the dark. I am the friend that goes out of my way to try to be a better friend for you. But I am also the inconvience friend. I am 19 and I still don’t have a car, so if anyone ever wants to hang out they have to drive to get me. I constanly am battling my mental health and it’s at the worst it’s ever been. I couldn’t understand for so long how people would kill themselves at a certain age if they didn’t have their life together. But now I am 19 and I don’t see myself living past 22. It’s not that I want to die because I don’t. Death has always been a fear of mine. I get it now. And that was one of the many things I never wanted to understand. I never wanted to understand what it felt like to have no one at one of your lowest moments. I never wanted to understand what it felt like for both of your parents to tell you to leave them alone. I never wanted to feel like more of a problem then a person. Because I am no longer a person, I am an empty shell filled with memories, broken dreams, thoughts and words. Words that don’t make sense sometimes to anyone besides me. And words that don’t end up flowing together. Words have always been hard for me, I stutter a lot, especially when I am nervous. I get tounge tied easily, and when I’m in a new situation or around new people that I am not comfortable with my throat closes up and it feels like I can’t talk. It makes it impossible to breathe. Breathing was something that seemed so easy when I was a kid. It was natural. It didn’t get taken away when I opened my mouth to talk. It wasn’t taken out of me when people put their hands on me. But now breathing isn’t easy and it isn’t natural, it’s just what my body has to do. I am always doing what I need to do, no matter what it does to me or my mental health.