✅ Potty Genius [NaNoWriMo 2022]

Thirty-Two

¿How could they make it less problematic?

I wasn't really sure how that would work. But Dr Abbott started with one question that I had never actually thought to ask. And one that might have made a huge difference when I started on this path, if I'd been a more introspective person.

"Do you feel uncomfortable with the childish behaviour?"

"Of course!" I answered, shocked that she would even ask that. "I mean, I'm acting like a little kid. How much these clothes stick out, people might be wondering if I'm like... If I've got a mental age of six or something. I mean, with people I don't know it will probably pass, there's some pop groups dressing like this. But with my friends, they'd know there's something wrong. And who would respect me when they see me with sequins all over my outfit?"

"Our professor had a PVC tricorn with sequins on," Britney said with a shrug. "That's way weirder than yours, and nobody thinks any less of her. They might be surprised the first time they see her, but that's not necessarily a negative thing."

"Exactly," Theo picked up where her friend had left off. "I think what I'm asking is... Do you object to acting like a child because you're uncomfortable with those behaviours themselves? Or because you've been taught that it's wrong to act like that? Is the problem with the childishness when you have that badge on, or the internalised prejudice that returns when you take it off?"

"Prejudice?" I asked, but I think I knew that I was really stalling for time; I kind of understood what she was saying, but it was such a change in perspective that I didn't know how to even think about it.

"You've spent your whole life being told that it's wrong to be childish. Maybe encouraged to act your age, or criticised for interests that other people might disapprove of. And after all that, you feel that you have to avoid doing those things. But there was something you said last time... Something like when you want to do something, but there's that little cautionary voice in your head reminding you that it would be childish. And the hypnosis has taken that warning away. That makes it seem like you do actually want to act that way, but that you're scared of how everyone else will react. Does that sound like something familiar?"

I thought back over what I'd said, and there was more to those words than I had thought. She was right; my discomfort with childish behaviour was more because I was afraid of what other people would say, or what they would think. And the app wasn't making me do something I didn't want to do, aside from wetting my pants. When I had the teddy badge on, it wasn't making me do things. It was taking away the inhibitions around things I already wanted to do.

"Maybe," I said hesitantly. "I guess... How did you know that? I mean, I never even thought about it myself."

"You did say it," Britney reminded me. "You talked about when you wanted to do something, and the inner censor that would normally stop you wasn't saying anything."

"I guess I just thought that was a normal thing?" I suggested. "Doesn't everyone do that?"

"A lot of people do. But in many cases, it's healthier in the long term to do the things you want to do, and only stop yourself if it would cause problems, or if it would hurt someone else. Avoiding things that you would really like just because it's a bit weird... well, sixty years ago you would have been ostracised just for your clothes. Tastes change, and I think now we're starting to accept that what you wear is nobody else's business."

I glanced down at my outfit, and opened my mouth to say that this wasn't what I would normally wear, and that I'd only put on such a shiny outfit just to keep Baby Adrica happy. But that was kind of what they were saying as well, wasn't it? Baby Adrica liked it because I thought it was cute. And because it looked good on me. The only reason I was blaming a second personality for those thoughts was that people had told me for so long that I shouldn't like looking like a little kid. And if I really wanted to, I could decide I didn't have to listen to those historical bullies anymore. Still, it wasn't like I would normally even have considered dressing like this."

"I don't–" I started, but Britney interrupted.

"I mean your regular clothes, too," she said. "The outfit you had when you first came here was kind of punk, maybe emo style. I've seen you around town as well, and you mix and match all kinds of styles. When your parents were growing up, they would have disapproved of all that in almost the same way that people are looking down on cutecore fashions now. Why should one style be different from any other?"

"It seems to me," Theo said slowly, "from your reactions both in and out of trance, I get the feeling that all the hypnosis has actually done on the fashion front has stopped you pulling the 'it's weird' card to reject some outfit. It's just giving you permission to include cuter stuff in your outfit, just like the rebels at school, or the bands you follow, already gave you permission to accept more aggressive styles. You like all of it, don't you? As much as any other style you've tried. You deny it because you feel like you have to if you want to be accepted, and Potty Genius is giving you the excuse you need to try it anyway."

"Maybe," I said again, looking down at my hands. It was so embarrassing to say something like that, and I almost told her that she was so far out of line she couldn't see the truth on a clear day. But... that was something that I thought I should say, not something that I actually felt. I didn't think I was ready to admit that yet, but I promised myself that the next time I found myself angry at something I'd done under the teddy's influence, I would think long and hard about whether it was something I didn't want to do, or something that I felt I wasn't allowed to do.

"Maybe," I repeated, after a few long seconds deep in thought. "But I really don't want to have some crazy app making me wet my pants. Can we do something about that, at least?"