My Personal Miracle

Chapter 10

Everything hurts, yet I'm numb. I feel everything and nothing. My father has continued to beat me everyday for the past two weeks. Danny is avoiding me, and I him, and Paul, it seems, has given up on me. I feel so alone. Right now, I'm in the floor of my bathroom, having locked both the door to my bedroom and my bathroom. I don't know how many times I had been kicked, thrown, and grabbed today. Everything hurt. Once I had finally gotten back to my room, which was an accomplishment , I sat down and hadn't moved since.

I glanced at the cabinet for the um-teenth time, contemplating whether or not to reach for what I had hidden inside. Finally deciding to do it, I opened the door and felt on the underside of the counter for a small, velvet bag I had hanging on a small hook. I grasped the small bag in my shaking hands and slowly un-cinched the top. I dumped to contents into my palm. My razor blades. I had three that I kept in the small bag, I had a fourth hidden in my book bag, and a fifth taped to the underside of my bed. I took one blade between my fingers and put the other two back in the small sack before placing it on the counter. I stared at the small blade, spinning it with my fore finger between my thumb and middle finger. I contemplated whether or not to slice my skin because I know what happened last time. This time, I didn't have anyone looking out for me, checking on me, wanting to be here for me. I moved the blade down to my wrist and began to softly run the cold metal against my skin. Before I put more pressure on the blade, I got up and went into my room to get my phone. I took my previous seat on the floor and went to my contacts. I contemplated on calling Danny. I was still hurt from what he told my dad, but I needed to talk to someone, and he was the only one who knew about these things that went on with me. I pressed his number, shaking with nerves. He was probably asleep as it was past 3am, but I hoped for the best. After a few rings, I heard his raspy voice coming through the speaker.

"Hello?" He sounded tired

"D-danny?" I stuttered through my sobs.

"Fuck. Kellin, you shouldn't be calling me. You can't do this."

"B-but... Danny, ple-ease." I choked out

"...I'm sorry... I can't do this." The line went dead. I cried harder, cursing myself for being so weak.

I had to get away before I did something I'd regret. I had already charged my phone, so I was good on battery. I picked my phone up from where I had thrown it, grabbed my earbuds, then packed a change of clothes in a small bag before climbing out my window, not knowing whether I would be back home before I had to go to school the next morning. I straddled the ledge before climbing back in my room and picking the razor blade back up, sliding it on my necklace, just in case. I climbed out the window and made my way to the only place I could clear my head and calm down: under the willow tree in the middle of the park. I put my earphones in my ears, hitting shuffle on my iPod.

What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.

Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence.

The loneliness is haunting me.

And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.

Hold my breath and let it bury me.

I'm not okay, and it's not alright.

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead.

Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence.

The loneliness is haunting me.

And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.

Hold my breath and let it bury me.

I'm not okay, and it's not alright

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

('Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.)

Who will fix me now?

Who will fix me now?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown

I was in tears by the time the song had finished. I feel like I'm drowning and everyone around me is so carefree and just doesn't care. Questions were tugging at the back of my brain. Who could fix me and help me be happy? Who would save me from myself? Who would be able to drag me from this hole I kept sinking into. Who would be willing to? Who would want to help me? Only one name came to my mind. Danny. At least I hope he would. I thought he would be here for me. That was before I found out what his true feelings were regarding me. What did I do wrong?

I made it to the park, quickly finding my way to the tree. I climbed onto one of the lower, wider branches, stretching out my legs and resting with my back against the trunk. My bag was settled on my lap, and I had my phone in my hand. I took off my necklace, staring at the blade. I traced lines on my wrist, debating whether or not to apply pressure. After a few minutes, I decided on the latter, digging the cold metal into my wrist. I don't know how many shallow cuts I made, but my wrist was covered in blood with the liquid dripping off my arm to the ground below. I pulled my hoodie sleeves down and crossed my arms, ignoring the stinging pain. This was going to be a long night.

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Song is not mine. All credit goes to Bring Me The Horizon. So, new chapter two days after my last update, shocking, I know. But tell me what you think. give me suggestions of what could happen.. I love new ideas.

ily

~KC