No Escape from Ultra Deluxe

Skip Button

"And here it is." The Narrator says, "Go ahead and give it a shot. I’ll pop you forward in time so that the second my incessant droning starts to bore you with just the push of a button you’ll have zipped right past it. It’s what the players have been asking for and I am very proud to have delivered. No more listening to me rambling on and on and on - no, no, no, no. The Stanley Parable is a game for the people and if the people want silence then, by goodness, that’s what they’re going to get. Well don’t sit around waiting for me to shut up! Go ahead and make me shut up! Here, we’ll pretend that I’ve just begun an interminable monologue. And it goes something like this…" The Narrator clears his voice. "The story, and the choices, or what have you, and therefore by becoming it is! So on and so forth, until inevitably we all until the end of time. At which time, everything all at once, so now you see? Blah, blah-"

You hit the button.

"Oh, you’re back! You see? You were only frozen in time for a few minutes but it was plenty of time for me to deliver a long rambling monologue full of unnecessary verbal flourishes and lengthy ruminations on the nature of choice in video games. Of course, I happen to believe-"

You hit the button again.

"Well there, sport! You really did catch me rambling on a bit, didn’t you? But that’s the power of the button!"

"Sport?" You say.

"The minute I start to go off on a thoughtless display of self-absorption, it’s right at your fingertips to go 'poof' - and it’s all over! Oh, I can’t wait to see what Cookie9 will say about this and whether they’ll edit the rating of their Steam review or at least change some of the wording perhaps. To be honest, I don’t even know if one can change their review in the first place. I guess I should become better educated on how exactly Steam works. Perhaps that would have been a smart thing to check on before I went about this whole exercise of making the skip button."

"Screw Cookie9. Who cares what one person thinks?" You say.

"Although, I have to imagine that after seeing this exciting new technology at work, surely whoever it is runs Steam will instantly run out and implement a new feature to make it possible to edit one’s review merely because of this very situation. Yes, I think that’s quite likely. Or perhaps they’ll simply grant this particular user the ability to change their review so that the feature is not widely abused. Look, I would even be okay with Steam altering this particular review so that it reads as something more beneficial. Something along the lines of “This game is the best… game.” Hm, let me start over-"

You hit the button.

"Okay, welcome back, Stanley. Now I should say that the amount of time the button has been skipping through is becoming longer and longer. That last one was… well… I want to say maybe 30, 45 minutes? It’s not unendurable by any means but it’s… well there’s really only so much I can ramble on to myself about! I know, shocking, isn’t it?"

"I guess anyone would run out of things to say after awhile." You say.

"But at any rate, I do suggest that we not press the button again. I think the skip button has been aptly demonstrated and we can say goodbye to it and just-" The Narrator started, and you turn around, ready to go. "Wait, how do we get out of here? Where did the door go? Wasn’t there a door that led into this room? I do feel quite certain that there was one here before. How else would we have gotten into the room in the first place?"