The Glass Princess: True To Yourself

Chapter 12 I'm sorry

Chapter 12 I'm sorry

I found myself in my childhood room, the surroundings identical to how it was nearly a decade ago. Including the paper drawings held together by sticky tape that I later was forced to take down. I was sitting down on my butt overwhelmed and scared. I look up and see my 10 year old self hugging pengasus the penguin plushie. Her hair was short but the same shade of orange as mine. She had her legs moving back and forth on the side of the bed. My 10 year old self hasn't finished her growth spurt yet. One where I reach 5'11 at the age of 13. This 10 year old me hasn't been hurt by testosterone as much yet, but dysphoria likely lingers. She did however have a simple skirt stolen from mum. I did this often, sleeping in a skirt helped me calm down when it was time to sleep.

"Hey um... I know I've been really hard on you... for not transitioning earlier" I begin to explain, still on the ground looking up at her. "But... Its a bit more clear now... it wasn't that simple.... We knew since we were 8 right... possibly earlier." I continue beginning to cry a little. "I understand that... mum and dad didn't accept us when we expressed it. That we felt scared that we hid the truth away hoping to not be bullied for it. That dad's desperate attempt to toughen us up didn't work" I continue, my words getting muffled by crying. "How no matter what, dad won't be proud of us... and despite being free of him... I can't stop thinking about his look of disappointment when I fail my first semester at university" I gentle wheep. "I know its scary for you right now, and the future is uncertain.... I want this degree to work out... I'm scared... I don't know if I can do this, even if I say everything is fine... my grades are breaking down...I'm sorry for not living up to the girl you wanted me to be, I don't even know what my future is... what I'm gonna be when I grow up... what to even do right now to help my girlfriend when she is sad" I explain gripping at the carpet, my eyes to the floor.

"Why would I be sad" my 10 year old self replies looking a bit confused. "When I grow up... I wanna be a girl like you.. Seeing you... makes me really happy" she explained hugging pengasus tighter. "Pengasus says to be true to yourself and you are doing that" She continues holding out Pengasus, gesturing me to hold him. Hearing the quote from Pengasus's tv show hit real hard, like that kinda nostalgia that is bittersweet. I look up at my younger self still crying but with a faint smile. "Well... if that's your dream.... Then you've.." I begin to explain as I stand up to hold Pengasus. I pause looking at myself in the mirror holding Pengasus. My hair was neatly curled, long and flowing. With prominent red lips. My dress swayed with the light wind from the window being open slightly. "When I grow up I wanna be a princess! And play with cute toys with my friends! Like Hunter!" my younger self explains quietly but with that kinda whisper yell you do when trying to make sure no one outside could hear but still wanna show your point. "Do... I get to look like you in the future" She askes....

My crying gets intense, 2 decades of raw emotion built up all releasing at once. After looking at myself in the mirror one more time I sharply turn to my younger self.

"Yes, yes you do. You... wanna know why we look like this in the future" I ask while gently sitting next to her. She looks up at me, her fringe gets in her eye but she doesn't move it. "You never gave up on the girl that was always there. You already ARE a princess" I explain gently sliding the fringe out of her face. I gently hugged her and cried softly. Happily I let tears drop to the floor. "We are sometimes a bit delicate... like glass but that's okay. In the future, showing your emotion is okay. Your most important friend also, understands why this is important to you" I explain tightening the hug. "I know things are scary right now... just remember, you are a girl and one day everyone will see it" I explain managing to calm down but still emotional. "...promise" She askes looking up at me, holding out her pinky. "A princess promise you could say" I reply, gently holding her pinky with my pinky.

My 10 year old self gently holds up a tiny handmade trans flag with her other hand. She gently sways it side to the side. "It's too scary to tell everyone right now.. After mum and dad said those bad things but... I get to be a girl in the future? I'm... so excited... that sounds awesome" she gently explains. I gently let go of her pinky, with the same hand I hold the same trans flag. I gently exhale and smile. "You, are already a girl, you always were and I'm proud of you. When the time is right... you'll see a princess, reflecting back at you in the glass. You will be so happy. As a princess, you'll do so many amazing things. You'll meet your knight, you'll learn new things and meet people who also became girls" I gently reply giving her full eye contact. The flag in both our hands, we gently wave it back and forth. "Do we get to help people" she askes. I think for a moment, remembering when I comforted Naomi. "Of course, its what princesses do" I whisper happily. "If we do that and become a girl... then I'm happy, even if right now is a little scary" She explains. I lean in to hug her tightly. "Thank you" I whisper in her ear feeling the need to cry coming back. "For?" She asked in confusion. "For never giving up on the girl that's inside, that hope... thank you, thank you so much" I whisper beginning to have my words distorted by tears again. "Thank you for never giving up too, on the girl that's inside" She replies happily.

I abruptly wake up in the bed sheets and breathe heavily. My breath almost came out in rapid short bursts of soft but frantic sounds. I look to my left, seeing a row of all my plushies. Including Pengasus and hatty the bear. I look to my right and see Naomi softly asleep. I lean back into my pillow and look at the ceiling. Trying to process that dream. I gently touch my long orange wavy hair. I couldn't help but smile brightly. We really did it. I did become a girl and a princess... I always was a girl... I didn't 'figure it out' too late....... I was just scared of my parents backlash to how I am. Faint memories of that period of my life occupied my thoughts briefly, including having to take down my paper drawings of my plushies from the wall... moments of me as a 9 year old frantically sprinting to mum's closet to return stolen clothes as I hear her car pull up... even my eyes widening fully when first holding bright red lipstick as an 8 year old... The rush of happiness as my lips became a prominent red shade that became so special.... Contrasted by memories of quickly trying to remove lipstick via tap water, a towel and sheer force of will while the car pulled in.

I knew..... And I knew so much....

I was too hard on the past.... I tried my best