Le Parole Lontane (Distant Words)

Chapter 21 - Home Is Where The Pain Is

Note: This chapter is unedited.

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
— Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women

Rome, Italy, 15th of June 2022

Damiano came to pick me up from the hospital this morning and it almost felt unreal. We didn't talk, both sharing a guilt that none of us could understand, yet it was there. Sometimes words have no place in a conversation, but the small gestures of care still tell a lot about the man that became like a foreigner to me these days.

"How are you feeling?" he finally asks me, when we're home, breaking the veil of silence.

"It could've been worse."

"You know, Vic," he starts, kneeling in front of me ready to take my boots off. "I'm really sorry about these days."

"Don't be." It feels like I'm talking to a stranger who somehow got infiltrated in my house. "You did what you thought it's best. Thanks for sending Thomas, though."

He doesn't answer, pretending that's more important to take the boots out of the bedroom.

"Damiano!" I call after him, my heart breaking in a thousand pieces with each letter of his name. "Come and talk to me."

He listens and returns. He'll always listen to what I ask him ever since he realized how much he hurt me with choosing another woman for years. But, what he doesn't realize is that his current choices are as hurtful as that one. I dare to say that in some points I'd rather have him going out with Giorgia then to know that he's putting his life at risk for a stupid ambition.

"I don't know what to say, Vic." His hands are shaking. "I'm afraid."

"What scares you?" I ask hoping that he finally realized the possible consequences of his actions.

"That I might lose you."

"Damiano, you might lose your life first," I reply harshly. "You're not aware of how dangerous this shit is. You're going out in France with Ethan and spying on an influential man. What for? Tell me what for."

"I need to look him in the eyes and ask him the same thing, V. What for?" he sighs.

"You're crazy!" I exclaim. "And I'm losing myself loving you, Damiano. I'm fucking losing everything from the battle with cancer to my family, everything."

"I'm sorry." This is the only thing he can say.

"No, you're not! And if you are, you don't do shit to fix it!" My words are filled with venom and sadness, but I can't help it. "We've been through this before. I've been through this before for fuck's sake, Damiano, and you didn't leave me just for some stupid revenge."

"You don't know, Vic," he mouths. "You don't know the full truth."

"What is it that I should know?" The tears are running out of my eyes uncontrollably. "What have you done, Damiano?"

"This will fuck things up even more. I don't think it's..."

"Don't you dare to say something like this to me and then to chicken out from telling me the truth. I need answers now!" I scream.