Le Parole Lontane (Distant Words)

Chapter 24 - Hourglass Of Despair

Note: This chapter is unedited.
Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm.

"one night like this beats life,
the overflow takes care of death"
— Charles Bukowski, Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame

Amsterdam, The Netherlands, 18th of June 2022

I'm all alone in a room full of people, desperately trying to wipe the sweat away from me with a towel. The show went alright despite the raging tempest going inside my chest.

An ear-splitting sound is filling the small space of our dressing room. Everyone around me chats happily and they seem rather like a bunch of buzzing bees for my overly-exhausted mind.

It's half past ten and I already ingested three antidepressants and some vodka, yet nothing has happened. My pain is still here, the memories are vivid in my head, and the anxiety is reaching a new maximum.

Luckily, after all of us are done changing we meet in front of the van, ready to depart. I'm not sure if I've ever felt more thankful for something than finally being in a comfortable seat on the way to the airport.

"Victoria, are you okay?" Ethan asks me concerned.

"I'm fine." The laugh which escapes is probably the result of the ingested alcohol. "Just a little tipsy."

They all giggle, but I feel like something is wrong. It seems that my innocent half truth is hard to be believed.

We board the plane in silence. No one feels the need to say something, not even Thomas. I'm aware that they're all worried for me. After I told Damiano what I was thinking about last night, they all started acting in an even more protective way than before.

"So, tomorrow..." Damiano sounds like he's about to deliver some bad news.

But, I already anticipate what's going to follow and I say, "I get it, you have to go."

He sighs, "Vic, it's not like I want to."

"But you have to," I complete. "It's fine."

"Thank you." Damiano sounds relieved but I know that deep down he's worried.

I guess their endless care has a limit. Apparently, Damiano's wish for revenge is stronger than anything else. It makes me sad, but I'm aware that I can't do anything about it. The only thing I want is for their twisted mission to be over and for them to return home safe.

"Ethan?" I hear Thomas.

"I'm going too, I'm sorry."

My little brother nods and I realize that tomorrow is a day of treatment that we would've spent together anyways. However, I can't help but be angry on how Damiano pushed me to start the sessions only for him to miss all of them. He wasn't like this before and I'm getting anxious that I'm losing him with every moment that passes by. And I feel stuck in this hourglass of despair, forced to witness how the sand of time is pouring through my fingers, unable to catch even a single moment with him.

By the time we land in Rome I feel dizzy. Agitated even. But I don't say a word as we're driving home. The only thing I do is hide my shaking hands in the pockets of my jacket.