Malay Natin: Siguro Tayo

CXXVIII

Part 128

The sun has finally set and the cloudless sky held a certain vastness that was burrowing a hollow in her stomach, too.

But the tiny glimmers were present to fill the empty spaces. The in-betweens.

Much like his presence right beside her.

Nika took a sip on her drink.

"Hindi ko talaga expected na pupuntahan mo ako dito ngayon," umpisa niya.

"Bakit naman?" tanong ni Kenzo.

"Wala lang. Hindi na kasi ako nagbibigay ng mga expectations sa tao. Kaya minsan nagugulat na lang ako kapag may mga ginagawa kayong hindi ko inaasahan. Tulad mo ngayon."

"I see . . . "

"Nakakapagod kasing ma-disappoint," sabi ni Nika.

Kenzo's gaze lingered on her with his thumb gently brushing along her knuckle.

"Alam mo ba ni minsan hindi ako binati ng tatay ko ng happy birthday?" A bitter smile appeared on her lips when the memories suddenly flashed at the back of her mind.

"Tuwing birthday ko no'ng bata ako madalas ako mag-abang sa gate namin kasi baka dumating tatay ko para bumati at daanan ako ng regalo. Pero 'di nangyari 'yon." Napailing si Nika. "Ewan ko, matigas din ulo ko no'ng bata ako, e. Ilang taon bago ko na-realize na bakit ako aasa at maghihintay sa taong iniwan kami. Kaya ayon, wala na rin naman na akong pakialam sa tatay ko. Sana lang masaya siya kung nasaan man siya."

"When was the last time you saw your dad?" tanong ni Miko.

"Edi no'ng araw na pinalayas siya ng nanay ko. Naaalala ko lang nagsisigawan sila no'n. Pero 'di ko na rin matandaan kung ilang taon ako. Five yata ako or six? Basta ayon na huling natatandaan ko sa kanya."

"How about your mom?"

And the bitterness in her smile traveled to her mouth. She could taste it. It was so awful. Sharp and prominent.

It was a permanent taste in her palate she could never wash away with anything.

"Ayon, nasa ibang bansa. Busy sa bagong pamilya niya." Tapos kinalimutan ako dito. She hitched her breath with the dangling thought whispering on her mind.

"Kung sa tatay ko bantay-sarado ako sa gate, sa nanay ko naman bantay-sarado ako sa cellphone ng tita ko noon. Naghihintay ako na tumawag siya para bumati. Matatapos na lang birthday ko't lahat 'di pa rin nagri-ring cellphone ng tita ko. Matatanggap ko bati niya kinabukasan. Pati birthday ko, naka US time zone na rin."

Para namang nasa US din ako. Nika scoffed with her silent commentary. She could never voice those things out. Especially when she knew the reason why her mom went abroad. Ilang ulit pa naman 'yong pina-intindi ng tita niya sa kanya noon. Lalo na tuwing nagtatampo siya kasi hindi siya tinatawagan ng nanay niya. At mas lalo na tuwing napapangakuan siya ng petsa ng uwi.

Next year daw, uuwi. May pasalubong. Pero 'yong next year na paghihintay at pag-aabang, naging two years, three years, five years . . . kung sa bagay, next year naman ang sinabi.

Indefinite.

Hindi naman nauubusan ng next year sa kalendaryo.

But when she learned that her mom remarried and established a new family abroad, her longing transformed into resentment.

Her financial support seemed to veil the neglect.

Which she was always guilty of feeling towards her mother.

Hindi naman ako pinabayaan, pinadadalhan naman ako ng pera para may pangkain ako, para may pambayad sa school, para nay pambili ako ng gusto ko. Hindi naman ako pinabayaan kahit bihira lang ako kumustahin. Kahit kinakausap lang ako kung may kailangang bayaran. Kahit 'yong petition na sinasabi, ilang beses ding nausog.

The reasons she kept telling to convince herself not to feel angry suddenly resurfaced.

It took everything in her to free herself from resentment. A great, great effort not to feel envious of her half siblings. A great effort to convince herself not to feel like she never fit in her own family.

But once a year, all of those things would eat her up and knock her down.

And in every year, it falls today.

Her birthday.

She hated being born to two people who seemed like they never wanted anything to do with her.

And it was, and always will be, the final punch to the gut.