I sure am going to make someone unhappy after publishing this, all these things I have once talked out with someone but here I am again, going through them, just because I feel like venting about the same thing again. Even if it is with a screen and not a person, well, the screen will allow me to vent without making me think/feel I'm boring or irritating it. But starting is always the hard part. Trying to find a way to put in words everything you're feeling or thinking is hard. Very. But the funny thing is, that once you start typing and you are around your fifth sentence it just seems like you can't control your fingers from moving and putting in words so much your mouth can not express with words. The title is Blank. Everything feels blank right now. I know it is a definition a bit hard to explain because it's subjective, but I have no other word to describe it. Once you go through a whole bunch of situations where you get these extreme and intense feelings, and those situations seem to not stop you get to a point where you feel blank. I just finished reading an incredible book from a very famous author and I am fascinated with it. In one part of the book, the author uses a serie of metaphors and personifications to make it seem like the main character has a face to face talk with his heart; in this part of the book the character is trying to understand life and the events that are taking place in his. What captured my attention is the part where the heart of the main character speaks to him and tells him that "hearts are afraid to suffer." Being honest, my heart is afraid to suffer. I am afraid because I have put my trust on someone else's hands and some way or another they forget that. And it sucks. And what also sucks? The fact that you have to ask for people's affection. Having to be the one that looks for them. It sucks to see they're online and don't respond to your messages. I know I might seem like an independent person, that never lets her feeling show and keeps away her emotions from everyone else, but in fact, it's the total opposite. I am this way because I was raised like this and it completely sucks. They never see how fast I fall and how fast I trust. Just because of my looks or the way I talk they don't even try to find out what is really bothering me or upsetting me down inside. I guess I lie so well that at the first time I say "I'm ok" they believe it. It sucks to have to ask for affection. It sucks to feel you struggling to trust now. It sucks to feel that you wanna fall asleep crying but no tears come down your cheeks. That you want to punch the door and dig a hole in it but what you actually do is sit and stare at a wall. This feeling desperates so much because you wanna talk so much about things and express everything but every time you try they don't listen to you. They just don't listen. And so now, that you are once more getting a feeling you just stare at whatever and feel nothing and at the same time you feel everything inside you. That need of fighting, that need of crying, that need of laughing so hard your stomach hurts, but for some reason nothing comes out, also, people just never have time to deal with these feelings. It bothers them to have to go through the same thing over and over again, even though you have gone through the same things for them over and over again. Yes, sometimes I just want to suddenly laugh, or punch, or kick, or even have an argument again over a thing we discussed 2 minutes ago. But they can't deal with that. And they don't understand why you can't just talk things out. They don't understand that not for everyone is so easy to just start venting and letting your emotions be exposed. It's heartbreaking to have a promise be broken. It's like ripping off a piece of trust from inside me and throwing it away, and that piece is certainly not coming back easily for a long long time. Everyone is so careless about it though, and if everyone is careless, I mean...why not be careless too? Ignore that feeling of wanting to sleep all day, or just runaway to a lonely place where you can just lay and look up at the sky, and scream and cry and laugh. Curse. Jump. Punch the ground. Fall on your knees. Without anyone. No one to see you, no one to laugh at you, or tell you you're overreacting, no one to make your eyes water up, or to get you anxious. I know you might think that it's stupid how I'm practically venting in a written down text, and there are chances of this making you upset, but I just hope you understand a little bit how I feel. Don't get mad at me for not being able to talk all the time, instead, find a way of communicating with me where I feel comfortable enough to open up completely. Just the way that I communicate with you and make you see how much I love you through a way I know you are comfortable with. My heart is afraid to suffer again. My heart is afraid to keep trusting and go on having that trust crashed. In moments like this I just wish I could fall into a long term sleep and wake up to things that make me feel again. But good feelings. Things that make me laugh until I cry like I used to, things that are so romantic that I get scared but I really don't want them to stop. Things that make me feel adrenaline and not anxiety. Things that make me smile and not be serious. Not be blank. Don't give up trying, because I never stop trying with you.
