I don't know what to do. We are in the same position. Family...you don't choose them. It is what it is. But you know what? I love them, and I wouldn't change them. We all grow up in you the whole time, and you know what? It is what it is. Only yesterday we were talking and you were telling me that God puts us through tests of faith and strength and today you're here telling me that you're no longer willing to listen to my problems because you are tired of hearing me cry. You say you're sorry for talking to me the way you do, but that you feel that's the only way of making me understand? That is bullshit. Being aggressive and impulsive shouldn't be the answer to a problem. It only means you're tired of trying to do it through the "nice" and "sweet" way. We are changing, yes. Time ago you used to tell me that I seemed careless and didn't show my emotions, and now that I do you are tired of it? I used to be so independent, and now that I depend on you, you are tired of me asking you to tell me you love me all the time? That I want to be on the phone with you and hear your voice almost all day? You are tired of me letting others treat me like shit? We are all treated like shit. You, me, our families... All. Because no one is perfect. I am sorry because I have probably been crying all these past weeks what I couldn't cry with anyone else these past years.
How am I supposed to feel when you tell me that calling you crying on the phone and saying that I am emotional is bullshit? I feel so stupid. You have been trying to be what I need, and I really know it, and I appreciate it and I love it. I love it so much. And I'm sorry if I haven't made you feel like it or don't recognize your efforts everytime. I'm sorry that I'm going through stuff and I just want to fall asleep on the phone with you. I'm sorry that I haven't moved in with you, and for being 17 and so stupid. And I'm so sorry things between us are going this way. It breaks my heart. Every time we argue my heart shatters. I don't know what to do. I understand EVERYTHING you tell me, and I agree that sometimes we are the ones that let things happen a certain way and stay like that, but don't make me choose between my family and you. All the people I love the most. Please don't do this to me. If the problem here is me sharing what's going on in my house with you and feeling sad about it then I'll stop. I'll stop doing it. But then, you will come and tell me I don't communicate with you. You tell me you are my support and you are always going to be here for me, for any situation...but and ultimatum doesn't feel like that. It is not fair. If you just don't want to put up with my shit than tell me that. I'll understand, and I'll go back to be that careless person, that person that doesn't need to be chased. I don't want to feel like showing you my weakness will cause problems between us. My family is my family. And I'm sorry but if we want to share the rest of our lives together, you're going to hear a lot about my family. And no matter what, I'll never stop looking up to them and loving them and wanting to have them involved in my life. Even if I can, I don't want to. Because they are my family. No matter what I will not let them down. No matter how much they hurt me I'll always love them so fucking much. And I love you so much, with all of my heart and strength. I can't stop thinking about you. Be my best friend. I think I have been here for you so much, and I have done everything because I love you like I have never loved anyone else. And I also have heard some things over and over again and you know what? I'm never going to get tired if hearing them, I am never going to get tired of listening to you, to what is going on. Because that is my role as your support. Of course I will.encourage you to get out of that situation and look for better things, but I always try to do it in the best way possible. Without hurting your feelings. Without making you feel stupid for feeling that way. Without telling you everything you tell me is bullshit. Being impulsive and aggressive is just not the way, and I don't know what I have done to make you think that talking to me that way is the only way I will understand. Cause it's not. And if it is going to be that way then I don't want it. I don't want to feel like a burden. I don't want to feel stupid for crying or being emotional. I am not choosing between you and my family. I don't want to feel like all I say now is wrong and makes you feel like this is bullshit. That if things don't change the way you want them to change then things are not getting better. That is not the only way out. Yes, I recognize that I have been lately complaining about everything, that everyday I complain about something you do. And I'll stop. Because you don't understand that at the end of everything all I am asking for is to hear you say you love me. One more time, and one more time. But if it makes you tired to be repeating that you love me and reassuring, then I'll stop asking for it. Yesterday you told me to never stop showing interest, and when I do and I ask you something it's bullshit and you are tired? You said you are turning into me, now that is bullshit. You can't blame me for the way you are acting now, because things are not going the way you want them to. Because you know why? I was NEVER like that with you. No matter how much of a bitch I was I have never told you that the way you're feeling is bullshit, and just shit you are deciding to take. I have been here for you since even before liking you. I called you that day, and the days after I let you vent with me, and it has been like that for all these months. I have helped you through your changes. Before knowing me you already knew who you were, what you liked, what you didn't like, everything. I have been and still am trying to discover who the real me is. I used to be a certain way and it wasn't working, so I am now acting differently and it is not working either, so, what are we going to do? I'm telling you I won't let these people hurt me as much a they do but it is hard to not be insecure and get hurt when most people around you make you feel that listening to you is not worth their time. That it is annoying to hear the same bullshit over again. Don't be cold with me, please? Don't talk to me the way you have, please? Because it hurts. I know I am stupid and very stubborn and afraid of almost everything all the time, but just don't give up on me. Don't set conditions to our relationship. Right now I don't feel mature enough to take that option you give me. I don't want to leave them, I love them so much that just the thought of losing any of them breaks my heart. But baby, that doesn't mean I am choosing them over you. NOT AT ALL. I just feel so confident about us right now that I don't need to be under the same roof to make our relationship stronger. I don't know how much time I have left with them, but I know that I have a lifetime next to you ahead. Just don't give up on this, don't become who I used to be.
I love you with all of my heart and strength. Only you. It is only you. I am yours only. I'll never get tired of saying it, I will repeat those damn 3 words as many times as you want to hear them and not get tired. I have fucked up, I'm sorry. Just don't become who I used to be.
