I let it in.
the steam seeps in my nose,
It smells of roses
I take a breathe before I submerge.
I gaze past the waters surface and it looks different
like I'm peeking into another universe.
the drained white walls that line this room seem to pull thoughts from a place I don't see often
I thought of all the impossibly difficult decisions I'd made to get me here.
I breathe (but it hurts)
I remember the days I was quite familiar with the closest version of things
the bathroom tiles, lint in the carpet
all of which became canvases for thought
a floorboard projecting a better life,
a future that could not possibly be mine
music filling all my empty, dark places often too much
sometimes not enough.
there are grey clouds that won't clear
too many purple bruises in my memory
It is a curtain over my eyes I see through always,
no matter how hard I try to draw them.
eventually I give in and let the sombre tone of sadness settle over my eyelids, pulling them down
my skin turns to white and fingertips ice cold
I am a ghost of my former self
a floating corpse of today in a pool of rose water
my coffin is one of liquid solitude.
Who knows tomorrow
I am always reminding myself;
sadness cannot physically drown its host
(although it feels like it)
I let it out.
