An Angel's smile//Drarry

XVII

I thought I might cry. I felt like crying, but it had been years. Perhaps I didn't know how to cry anymore. Why on earth did I think it was a good idea to reveal my identity to Draco? I guess I thought it might make him stop ignoring me. I was wrong. He panicked. Then he ran away. What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to protect him, I'm supposed to help him get better! How could I have been less prepared? He's a suicidal young man, with a lot of issues, and I let him get away.

Merlin, it was all my fault, wasn't it? It always was. Everybody's deaths, Cedric's death, Fred's death, and now maybe Draco's death as well. Merlin, I could kill myself. Strangle me until I couldn't breathe. I couldn't just yet though, I had to make sure Draco wasn't dying. I had to make sure that it wasn't my fault for once, that I could save someone.

It had been days.

I'd searched the whole bloody castle, I hadn't eaten a thing and if it weren't for the fact that we had a holiday break, I'd probably have missed class as well. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had gone to the burrow. I had been invited but declined as it made me uncomfortable to be around them. Deep inside I knew they blamed me too, that they were upset with me. They hated me. I was all alone, in a castle, searching for the person I was in love with. I just couldn't seem to find them. He was never in our room, not in Blaise's room or in Parkinson's. He wasn't in the great hall or kitchens or restrooms. I was seriously starting to panic. And that's when I did it. The one thing I'd been trying for Draco to stop with. I made a cut in my arm with an old pocket knife. I said to myself that it didn't count because 'it was only a little one', but I knew that wasn't true. For the first time in 3 months, I'd self-harmed. This was a huge step back for me. I bandaged the wound and moved on, searching for Draco. By now I must have looked like a man in desperate need of a shower. I hadn't slept in at least 2 days and it wasn't like I didn't try.

One day, I was walking around the school. There weren't many students left so I was practically alone when a woman made me stop in my tracks. Parkinson. "Have you seen Draco?", she asked worriedly. If even she didn't know where he was... something bad must have happened! I shook my head sadly as I saw her disappointment. "I've been looking for him for days. He ran away from me at our tutoring lesson and then when I tried to tell him something, he ran away again. That's when I last saw him.", I explained, taking deep breaths. She sighed.

We started slowly strutting along the corridors, with no end goal in mind. "If you don't mind me asking, what were you going to tell him?", Parkinson asked suddenly. She looked up at me. I could see the fear in her eyes that something was wrong with her friend. "Has Draco told you anything about notes?", I mumbled. She nodded. "I was the other person. He panicked when he found out.", I said quietly. Her eyes widened as she looked back at her feet. Then she placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me a soft smile. "I won't tell anyone.", she said and somehow I believed her.

Suddenly Parkinson stopped walking and looked at me. "Have you checked the astronomy tower?", she asked quickly. My eyes widened as well as I shook my head. The both of us ran up the stairs toward the very top of the tower. Only to be met with absolutely nothing. No Draco. No nothing. "It was a good guess?", I muttered. I'd been so hopeful when she'd asked me, but again. He was nowhere to be found. "What's that?", Parkinson questioned as she moved to a corner of the tower. I saw where she was looking, a small dried-up puddle of blood. Draco had definitely been here. The both of us locked eyes, clearly thinking the same thing.

I threw my head in my hands in despair after I and Parkinson had run around the castle for another few hours. She was taking deep breaths next to me on the stone bench. "Do you know why he ran away from me?", I asked her. Maybe we should start there? He was clearly frustrated with me, but why? I just simply hoped I'd be able to see him again. To be able to see his smile again. She avoided my eyes and closed hers. "Yes. He told me about it.", she revealed.