An Angel's smile//Drarry

XXII

I had been asleep for two days straight. I had not been able to tell my mother what happened, I had fainted on our doorstep. My room was dark when I woke up, it must've been the middle of the night. I got up from bed and went to the kitchen where I got myself a glass of water. The light suddenly turned on and a tired mother walked into the room. "Draco? Oh good, I'm relieved you've finally woken up. How are you feeling?", she asked me quietly, approaching me. I wanted to answer her, I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't. My mouth wouldn't open, and no sound would come out from it either way, it's like I was paralyzed. I just stared at her and I guess I didn't need to tell her anything because she rushed towards me and slowly wrapped her arms around me. "Oh honey...", she whispered into my shoulder. I don't remember much from those days, but I remember it being one of the only times I cried into my mother's hair. I cried for so long that night.

I think I went back to bed after that, I was still tired. I tried to shut all of it out of my mind, but it kept coming back to me. So, I thought of the only thing that was able to distract me. Harry was probably sleeping at that time. I wondered if he thought about me a lot, I hoped he did. Only one more day and me and him would finally be together again. I looked so forward to him and his gentle touches and his soft lips. I sighed and closed my eyes. The memories of Harry were able to put me to sleep, but they weren't enough to keep the nightmares away.

In the morning my mother helped me pack my bags, I would leave that same evening, just after dinner. I would arrive at Hogwarts very late at night. Both I and my mother were completely silent during breakfast. I think she wasn't sure what to say at that moment and I couldn't seem to say anything. I could sense her staring at me from time to time, she knew that something terrible had happened, but she didn't know what, so she must've been curious. At that time I felt very guilty for not being able to speak about it so soon because my father wasn't just a father, he was a husband too. And my mother ought to have known some things that happened. Perhaps not the entire story because I didn't want her to feel bad. Thinking about it now, I should've told her then, although I couldn't bring myself to it, I should have at least tried. Because until the present day, she still didn't know what had happened. But I can't tell her now. I should've done so then.

I stayed quiet that whole day, saying nothing to my mother, not even muttering anything to myself. It was almost like my mind was blank except it wasn't. The last look in my father's eyes until they went vacant kept circling back to me. The beating that I had suffered from the Aurors didn't matter, it had been nothing compared to that look on my father's face. I hadn't even really felt that pain, I hadn't noticed it. That look on his face, that look of fear as he saw the dementor approach him, that look of despair when his memories got sucked out by the dementor. It was all too much for me and it drove me back to my old habits. The ones that Harry and I had tried so hard to end. I felt so dirty all of a sudden, and my whole skin was itching. And it itched the most there where my skin had been carved with an evil mark that I would have to live with my whole life. And then I did it again. I used scissors that were in my room. The cold water from the shower drenched the whole of me and it sucked my red blood with it into the drain. I felt relieved somewhat through the pain, but it also made everything worse. I had promised Harry I would stop. And I felt so guilty and ashamed then, that I couldn't even keep a simple promise to him. Blood Hell, it was his fault too, for believing I could live without it, for believing in me.

***

I didn't eat much during dinner, barely anything. I knew it would worry my mother if I ate nothing at all so I made an effort for her, but it was as if my throat was closed shut. She brought me to the station, not trusting an auror to bring me and she cried when I left on the train. It made me sad to see her cry so I wiped away her tears and shook her hand. She knew hugging wasn't something I liked, so shaking my hand was enough for her. She waved at me and soon enough she was nothing but a little spot of color far away for me and then the train turned and I couldn't see her any longer. I would have loved being with my mother on any other occasion, but I longed to be back with Harry. Surely he would help me. Professor Sprout, as before, was the professor that would accompany me from the station to the castle. She must've sensed that I wasn't feeling so good because she kept quiet for most of the ride. At one point she spoke, but it was only to advise me to go to Mrs Pomphrey to get checked. I would follow that advice, perhaps a little trip to the infirmary wouldn't be such a terrible idea.