Death,Please.

If i ignore it,will it go away?

"It's all in my head" I whisper to myself.

"It's all in my head!" Trying to put force in my voice.

"It's all IN.MY.HEAD." with my hands tightened to fists.

"It's all in my head..." in less than a whisper. A tear escapes my right eye.

My heart literally feels like it's shaking.  This is that feeling you get when something bad is about to happen. Or to put it plainly, this is like how you feel when you haven't eaten for days.

Your hands feel like there's electricity running through them when you touch something.  Your skin has literal goosebumps riding on it. When you brush through them, it feels like the skin is peeling off.

"It's all in my head." I want so bad to sob but I don't have the energy.

I want so bad to scream but I know the odds of a sound coming out, are against me.

This is exactly the situation whereby poets say "I screamed till my throat bled and still, you didn't hear me!"

My lips are dry from all the self- comfort I was doing.

I sit there thinking about all the times I said I was sick and no one believed me.

All the times that I laid in bed, unable to bring myself to get up and get going.

That time when I had heart pangs and I was literally unable to scream for help as I pushed myself and fell from my bed.

I thought, "so, this is how I die..." sadly.

"Alone in the dark? My door locked with no way to come in?"

No one would know. My family let's me sleep through the night, days. No one would know.

My eyes are liars. They are never red nor drowsy. So people say I'm lying when I say I'm sick or when I say I don't get sleep.

My body is a liar. It never gains weight. So no one could tell if I'm losing or gaining. I don't know how it hides all the pain that I feel.

My smile is fake. They speak of its beauty and genuineness. I guess it's true when they say "when you fake something for long, eventually it becomes real."

So if I can convince myself that I am okay then maybe this pain will cease to exist?

I guess parenting yourself takes its toll on you.
I guess it's all my fault I turned out like this... alone and out cold.

Warm hands could never hold me 'for I am ice.
Shelter could never be a home for me as I am used to the cold harsh world.

Something about the backs of the people that I somehow convinced myself to like, seem lively and oddly comforting.

I watch as everyone leaves and smile because I somehow predicted it.
I whisper a chant to myself-

"she won't turn around."

"She won't turn around.!"

"She will NOT turn around!"

-and as she disappears from sight to oblivion, my smile fades.
They never turn around to look back.
They never turn around to watch me break more than I already am.

How can they?

I'm sure they don't expect me to, since we were never attached. Grown apart.
Like the sun that burns from that far off.

I had blood, but it ran dry.
My heart stopped pumping it.
It is only oxygen that runs through my veins.

So, for the last time and with my last breath-

"It's all in my head." This pain is all in my head.

I try But fail to keep my eyes open. The darkness is pulling me. At least I don't feel the pain anymore and with my last train of thought-

I hope this darkness leads me to my demise.
I hope that I never live another day to feel this emptiness and groundless agony. May my soul float in THE VOID.