Sakimashita: Drunk On You

Chapter 9ii

a/n: Not sure what is wrong with the formatting of this chapter. Can someone help?

He picked up the unassuming bottle and read the composition - not that he really needed it. He knew what it was and what its usage was. He could tell from a mile away. He didn't need to look at its label. 

Stunned, he put it back into the cabinet wondering why its owner might need it anyway.

For a second, anger and betrayal raged within him - not at the other man but at their lives. Oh, how so cruel!

He gazed at his own reflection in the mirror stuck on the cabinet. 

Why had their lives want to make them pay for each of their happiness?

Always, a price to pay.

As the door behind him opened and the man who held his heart in his hands popped his head in and smiled at him, ushering him to get ready, dropping all traces of sadness and knowledge of the painkillers meant for long-term Hanahaki patients.

 He smiled back at the love of his life. He won't bring it up till the other did.

Yoongi starts with "It is important to grieve at its correct time" They're sitting on the balcony again. It is in the middle of the cold afternoon. The sun is up there in the sky but is hidden behind the thick clouds.

"What do you mean?"

"Not like me who made myself busy with Minji and looked at nothing else; She is not at fault. She was so small. So tiny," Yoongi smiles fondly, reminiscing his daughter's memories. Taehyung smiles looking at the fond expression. "But I know even if I didn't have her, I would have excuses that made me not think of my brother- the sudden hole in my life. I would have made up something. It is important to grieve because back then my parents looked at me like I should have talked about it. My cousins would tell me I should talk about it but I didn't. I didn't want to. I could not. For my daughter. For myself. I thought "I have accepted it" is that not enough? Somedays I went to sleep crying. Sometimes I found myself waking up crying but I didn't understand it. But most days I didn't think about it. I feel if someone read my mind they wouldn't know I had a brother because for someone who used to always be there in the back of my mind, he was suddenly not there. Then every few months, I would sit up in excruciating pain remembering oh, my brother isn't with me anymore. I cannot go to his house now. Actually, I could but it would be sitting empty. Other times I feel horrified why do I not think of him enough? When Eomma asks if I think about my hyung I want to tell her that if it hurt any less, maybe I could talk about him more. Do I remember him? I don't think so. My therapist says it is possible that it is an effect of my ADHD. Because of my lack of object permanence," Yoongi scoffs. "Because my time perception is messed up I don't process grief as many other people do. Does that make any sense? At one point, I thought it was a boon except... years have passed now and it feels like people expect me to have moved on. They used to be so careful about how they spoke about death or my brother in front of me. Now they talk to me like I don't understand someone else's loss. They talk to me like I haven't lost someone so important to me. I have read books. I have talked to therapists. I know and understand how things should be, but that's just knowledge. Is it the reality? Then why doesn't that knowledge transpire into reality and reduce my suffering? It has been nearly a decade and my pain and loss are just as same. What it was then, it still is now. The only difference is how people expect me to react to it." Yoongi stares at his toes, "I feel like because I didn't grieve my brother when I should have I missed my chance. I am not allowed to do so anymore. I know if I tell my relatives that I am still hurting they will say grow up. You should have moved on already. I cannot tell someone it still hurts the same. I am still in pain just the same but I have to always put it aside first for someone else."