Little Things

045

// smoking

I suddenly felt my eyes open and I see Nick's face right in front of mine. I pulled away almost instantly, feeling horrible about what I had just done.

Was I sober? I didn't even know. I do know that I somehow have come back to my senses now. What on earth have I done?

"I'm so sorry-" I felt sick. Nick kept saying no and I had kissed him against his own will. Was I that desperate? "Nick, I'm so sorry"

"No, that's okay.." He took a deep breath and grabbed both my hands. "Do you wanna come to my place for a bit? I'll make you coffee since you seem a little sobered up"

"I couldn't, Kai will be worried and I'm sure your roommates would be disturbed" I dart my eyes to the ground in shame. I feel like I don't even know myself.

"Okay.." He stared at me for a couple seconds before turning around to open the car door. "Don't be annoying and get in the car so I can get you home"

"Shut up" I rolled my eyes and got into the car. As per usual, my head started hurting from all the alcohol I had drunk and the migraines were starting.

It was somewhat bearable considering I felt this so much times before but it was still a horrible feeling to want to puke every 3 seconds.

As I was getting in the car, I really kept thinking about if I was even happy where I am now. I've finally got what I wanted right? I'm friends with him again and he's unblocked me. He's even taken me out on a date which ended with me ruining it but we still had fun laughing and bickering.

Even with that, I felt like I didn't get the closure I wanted. The one I was after for so long.

I wanted to cry and sob with his arms wrapped around me promising that he would forever be by my side and everything would be okay. I want the constant reminder that someone's next to me even when I don't feel like having anyone around. I want someone to actually fight me into staying in my life instead of just leaving to make sure I was happy.

Somehow being drunk around him made me realize how unhappy I actually was at the current state I was in. I could simply block it off and my mind would manipulate itself into thinking I was okay.

I felt the car start and start to move backwards. My eyes were glued to the outside of it and I could barely take my sight away from there.

"Hey, it was a fun date. Why are you so sad now?" With his tone, I could tell he wanted to light up the mood. Yet it felt like I couldn't knowing I did him wrong. "We were laughing and joking like we used to. I missed it"

"I kissed you when you kept saying no.. It's not something I'm proud of. This just changes everything I am as a person" How could a person like me, who valued consenting to things before having it done, force myself onto someone who said no? It just infuriates me knowing how it felt to have things done to me without permission.

"Everyone makes mistakes, just don't do it again.." He clears his throat, completely distracting me from my train of thoughts.

I turn to him and catch him biting his bottom lip and so focused on the road compared to his relaxed demeanor while driving.

I decided to ignore it and leave his thoughts to himself. I hated how quiet the ride was. Just a side eye every now and then was enough to make me sit in discomfort.

But I guess he was the one that couldn't keep his thoughts to himself.

"I don't want you to not do it again" He lets out a deep breath that he had been holding in.

"What-" Before I could even ask what he meant, he cut me off.

"Yes, I know I said no so many times and I know you feel bad about it. But I don't regret it one bit. I wanted to do it to you anyways, you were just too intoxicated for me to do it. I fucking wanted it so bad and now that you gave it to me, you regret it. I wish you were sober when it happened" He snaps and I felt the car speed up a bit.