Stray Kids one shots #2 || honeyndwild

Hyunjin | a difficult conversation

Disclaimer: angst

Content warnings: toxic, narcissistic (?) parent

Without a happy ending this time, because we are still moving towards it.
Memories from the past sadly became the reality once again cause my sister is going through the same shit.
Bless us, seriously.

The door closes with a loud bang, and Hyunjin's heart skips a bit. He can do this.

He knows what words to say. He knows all the questions and all the arguments he needs to use.

He can do this.

The sound of the steps makes his stomach ache. A heavy hand falling on his shoulder makes him want to run. His father's smile when he greets him makes him want to throw up.

"Hi, Jinie."

"Hi, dad."

"How are you?"

"I'm— I'm ok?"

"Cool, can you imagine Tim showed me the funniest video I've ever seen. Gimme a second, I'll show you."

He can't do this. Fuck, no.

Not today.

Tomorrow. A day after. Just not now.

The phone on his lap blinks, asking him to read another message. The light is blue but welcoming, calming even; his little safe place. The place where he can be himself and no one will judge. He clutches to it like a lifeline.

His father takes the jacket off and moves to the kitchen. The water runs into the kettle, loudly smacking its bottom. Hyunjin tries not to look at the dirty dishes he forgot to clean after himself; he won't stand a wave of guilt right now. If it'd hit him, he might cry.

He wishes he was stronger.

"Great, finally found it," his father snickers, taking a few big steps and shoving the phone right to his face. "Isn't it funny? God, I laughed so hard!"

Hyunjin doesn't find the video with tanks funny. He also doesn't like the fact that the phone stays right next to his nose, but saying anything right now would ruin the mood.

"Dad, I—" he knows he needs to get it out of his system. What if it'll work this time? "Can we talk?"

"Yes, sure!" The kettle screams for the attention, and the father runs to take it off the fire. "I'm all ears." He turns to the cupboards trying to find his favourite tea.

Hyunjin swallows the lump in his throat.

"I— It's about my future. About the uni," no turning back now. Clench your fists and fire. "I— I don't think I want to study here, in this country."

He tries really hard not to look at the corner where his father is standing, brows furrowed and lips tight.

"I'm— I don't think our country has good design universities. And the programs are— they are outdated. I think it'll be a waste of time to spend the next 4-5 years here, that's why I've started researching universities abroad."

Exhale. Breathe in.

He can do this. He really can. He has a PowerPoint prepared. He wants this. He'll be alright.

Hyunjin pats his own knee and tries to unclench his shoulders. It's okay, it'll be okay.

"Hyunjin, we've already talked about this, God," the disappointment drips from his father's voice, and Hyunjin knows he's screwed.

He glances at the corner where his father is standing. The darkness blinds his eyes.

"The youth these days, I can't. You're spending too much time in your phone listening to what those foreigners are saying. That's their job, Hyunjin, can't you see it? They need to lure you in, to promise your heavens. Do you know that there's no heaven on earth? Everywhere is bad."

Hyunjin doesn't want to feel disappointed, but he can't help it.

"What's wrong with our education? Don't you know foreigners pay enormous money to come to study at OUR universities? Do you know that 40 years ago our education system was the best in the world?"

"Okay, maybe it was," Hyunjin desperately needs to disagree. "It was and still is in other fields. But in design, we are not the best, dad. The way they teach us design here is so outdated I can't even explain it," he wants to explain ut, but is too nervous to do that now. He hopes it won't sound too stupid, too naive. "And for me to succeed, I need to have a better base. Don't YOU understand that?"

"I don't believe it's that bad, don't be ridiculous."

Oh, great.

"And also, don't you know it's too expensive? It's not like we don't have money, but you know, we're building a cottage house right now..."

You aren't worth my money, Hyunjin hears between the lines.

"And, actually, I needed your help a few days ago with those tiles, but you didn't help me choose."

Because you wouldn't care to listen, Hyunjin thinks.

"Of course, I want you to succeed, but, boy, there are other ways to do so. Go to our uni, then if you'd be lucky enough to get a scholarship, then go wherever you want. I think that's more reasonable."

I'm scared and I don't believe in you, Hyunjin hears and gives up, "Okay, I've heard you."

He gives up once again.

It surprises him that this time it stings a little less compared to a few days ago. Hyunjin thinks that maybe he's slowly getting used to the rejection. He still wants to cry, but he's too exhausted to do so.

"Look at Ray, Tom's daughter. She graduated from the medical college while simultaneously working in the hospital, and now is going for more trainings. She's so hard-working, and makes good money. And she's even—"

Hyunjin thinks of the ways to leave the room, and finds the easiest one.

"Sorry, I need to use the bathroom," the lamest excuse, his another lifeline.

"You see, I want the best for you. Just think of our universities, think deeper into this situation. We can talk about it later."

We can, Hyunjin thinks closing the bathroom door behind him and turning the water on.

Of course, we can. The exhaustion bends him in half, the first sob rips his throat from inside.

Of course, they can. But Hyunjin doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't want anything anymore.

The water is hot under his fingers. His stomach hurts from crying.

Hyunjin wants to go to sleep and wake up somewhere far away from this flat. Will he ever be able to do it?

(Spoiler alert, he will. But he doesn't believe it yet.)