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Crutchie Morris - Butterflies

I've forgotten what its like to feel.

I'm just numb.

Always.

I haven't felt anything in months.

I'll fake a smile.

Fake a laugh.

I'll sell my papes.

I'll pretend to eat.

But I never feel anything.

I don't feel happy.

Or sad.

Or angry.

I'm just...numb.

Nobody really noticed at first. Or if they did, not enough to care.

It started a while ago. I noticed I was smiling and lauging less. I started spending less time with the boys.

Some of them noticed then.

I claimed I was getting headaches.

They'd leave me alone.

I stopped going to Meddas theater. Stopped singing. Stopped painting with Jack. Stopped going to the races with Race. Stopped slingshotting people with Finch. Stopped reading with Davey. Stopped existing outside of my own bubble.

Then more started to notice.

One of them would always be with me.

Whether it's Jack, rambling to me about something. Or Crutchie holding me close after he had a long day. Or Davey reading a page from the book he's reading.

I still feel nothing.

It's been about three months of me feeling this way.

I'm sitting on my bed, a blank stare on my face. Not thinking about anything. Not feeling anything.

I feel the bed dip beside me and i hear something fall over. A crutch.

I glance over and see Crutchie. I tilt my head at him.

"Hey y/n. How are you?" He asks, clearly forcing himself to sound happy.

"Same as yesterday. And the day before. And the past three months." I tell him.

"Look, y/n, I've missed you. I noticed the second you started fading. I noticed when you stopped smiling. When you stopped being happy. And...it hurts. It hurts to see the girl I love so so much just...fade." He tells me, the forced happiness of earlier gone.

"You love me? But why? I'm...I'm broken. I can't feel anything anymore" I tell him.

"You're not broken, y/n. I just...I wish you'd talked to us. You're not the only one whose went through this. Jack has too. So has Racer. And Albert. Hell, I've felt this way. I've felt broken. Like I'm not enough. But...we talked to someone. I'm not blaming you, I know it's hard. I miss you. The real you."

I feel a few tears slip down my face. I actually feel sad. Sure, it's not great that the first thing I'm feeling in three months is sadness, but I'm feeling something.

I throw my arms around the boy, sobbing gently into his shoulder.

"I've missed feeling things Crutchie..."

The worst thing that went away when the feelings went away was the butterflies. Every time I was around Crutchie, I'd feel butterflies in my stomach.

The butterflies...they faded first. Not the love I felt for him, just that fluttery feeling.

Then the love and happiness I'd felt.

"I love you Crutch...I might not feel it again for a while...but I felt it before...I'll feel it again, I know it" I mumble into his shoulder.

"I'll be here every step of the way, baby" He says, stroking my back gently.

Two weeks later

I've started feeling more again.

Not everything.

I feel sad. I feel faint bits of happiness. I feel love sometimes.

Crutchie has been helping me. He stays with me, reminding me that I'm loved, and that I'm not broken.

One time, I felt the butterflies. It was only for a second. I still felt it though. I nearly cried.

I've started doing things again.

I smile. Real, genuine smiles.

I laugh. I forgot how good it felt to laugh.

The first time I laughed, all of the boys went silent. They all turned to me, eyes wide.

They all tackled me in a hug.

"You have no clue how much we've missed that sound" Racer tells me.

"I've missed the feeling of laughing... thank you guys" I say, somewhat tearfully.

It feels so good to feel.

A month later

I can feel things again.

Crutchie and I realized I've been feeling things constantly, without even short periods of numbness anymore.

I feel the butterflies again.

"Crutch! Crutchie!" I shout, seeing the boy on the other side of the room.

"What?" He responds, walking over to me, struggling with his crutch a bit.

I had been thinking about our most recent conversation. Then I realized. When he laughed...when he smiled...when he spoke, I felt them.

"I feel them! I feel the butterflies!"

I had told him about the lost feeling when I was around him.

He smiles at me, engulfing me in a tight hug, almost losing his balance due to having to put his crutch down momentarily.

I look at him, a bright smile on my face.

"Thank you Crutchie. I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't told me that you love me" I tell the boy.

"I was telling the truth. I love you with everything in me" he tells me.

I don't say anything else, I just lean up and connect our lips gently, and I feel butterflies erupt in my stomach.

I pull away, and say "I love you....and I feel it this time. I love you so, so much."

"Be mine?" He asks.

"Always and forever"

A month later

I've been doing things again.

I sing with Medda at her theater. I paint the city with Jack in his 'penthouse'. I go to the races with Race. Finch has been helping me with my aim when we slingshot people together. Davey and I have read an entire book.

But most importantly, I've been spending time with Crutchie. He's always there for me, and I don't know where I'd be without him.

We're here for each other, forever and always.

When he has nightmares of the refuge. When I feel like I'm not enough. We remind each other of how much love we feel for one another.

And sure, it might've taken a while, but we got there eventually.

A/n
Yall ever felt like that? Like...no matter how hard you try, you can't feel anything? I've been going in that state on and off recently. But....there's this guy who makes me feel things. Like...even when im in a state, he'll make me giggle and smile. Funny enough, his lil bro is currently playing crutchie in a school production of Newsies lmao.