Those Little Moments (Hatake Kakashi)

15

While training under Guy, I had no qualms about embarrassing myself in front of him. Even though I considered him a good friend, I didn't worry that he wouldn't respect me if I showed any weakness, that was something I only feared with Kakashi, the arrogant prodigy that he was. Or at least, had been back when we were younger.

Every day, I would practice my taijutsu with Guy, doing whatever exercises he told me to, even if it meant doing pushups until I was on the verge of passing out. We would spar often, casually unlike the first fight, and he would give me pointers to improve my footwork and take advantage of my position. At the same time, he would be training his Genin, who didn't quite seem to know how to feel about me stealing their teacher, but since I practiced with them as well (thankfully being able to beat them, otherwise my pride really would've been hurt), they didn't seem to mind too much. 

One such day, I returned home after dark and practiced my fuinjutsu, working on my precision by having the chains wrap around small items and bring them to move without hitting anything else in the room. For hours, I did this; even while I was cooking, I used the chains to add ingredients and stir them. I used the same technique to clean the apartment as well, and hold my book while I read.

It was that night, only about two days into training with Guy, that I had my first nightmare. In a way, it was a miracle that I hadn't had any yet, but I'd always had the joy of meeting Naruto and finding out Kakashi was alive hiding me from all the bad things. But now, I was alone in a dark apartment, and my body was aching, and as I passed out on the sofa from exhaustion, the soreness was horrifically familiar.

Alone at night, I relived all the nights where I had been touched, and chained, and whipped the one time I tried to fight back, and I was back in my cell, craving sunlight more than anything, and freedom. Instead, all I got was pain, and I woke up breathing in short gasps, tears running down my cheeks.

Sitting up slowly, I put my head in my hands as I tried to calm myself. Feeling the walls close in around me, I ran outside, feeling the fresh air on my face, and breathed it in, letting the sight of the moon and stars calm me down. I was free, I wasn't in a cell. 

Making up my mind quickly, I grabbed my blanket and pillow from inside and set myself up right on the doorstep of the apartment, closing my eyes and focusing on the breeze on my face. 

When I woke up, I put the now dirty blanket and pillow cover in the laundry and headed to training, where I said nothing of my pain the night before to Guy. For a week, I kept this up, working myself until I passed out, waking up from the nightmares, and then moving to sleep outside.

It was only when Guy pointed out the dark circles under my eyes, calling them "un-youthful", that I decided to get help. I made a few wrong turns on my way to Kurenai's apartment, but I found my way eventually.

The door opened soon, though each second was an added dread to my awful mood, and Kurenai stood before me. "Emiko! What are you doing here so late?"

It hadn't reached the early hours of the morning yet, but it was nearing midnight, for I had spent an hour in bed, tossing and turning as I debated whether to come or not.

"I've... I was wondering if..." I paused, fiddling with my fingers while Kurenai watched sympathetically. "I've been having nightmares about... everything that happened."

Kurenai nodded, her eyes seeming to understand what I didn't say, and she gently pulled me into her apartment, immediately making a pot of tea as I sat on her couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked as she sat next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"I don't want people to think I'm weak. I used to be so strong, and now, I can't do anything." I snorted humourlessly, thinking of how easily Guy had beaten me, without breaking a sweat. Imagine what he would think of me if he knew how much I was struggling. Even worse, imagine how Kakashi would think of me.

Kurenai pulled me closer to her, sighing. "No one thinks you're weak, Emiko. You've been through a lot, and the fact that you're still here, smiling all the time and trying so hard to get better, is what makes you strong. We all admire that you're training and doing your best when such horrible things have happened to you. We saw the report of your return, we know the things that were done to you, and even if you weren't training, we would think you're strong for surviving that."

I felt tears streaming down my face at her speech and hid my face in her neck, trying to stifle my sobs. "You all know then?" I hiccuped.

Kurenai nodded, pulling me closer. "The Hokage had a group of us jonin look over your file so that we could look into who kidnapped you and what their motive was. Kakashi had asked that we not read it, but the Hokage insisted." I sniffled, pulling myself closer to her. "You don't need to pretend you're perfect. We know you're strong, Emiko."

I couldn't hold it in any longer, and the tears flowed freely down my face as I sobbed into her shoulder. "I keep seeing it again... seeing them. No matter how many times I begged them to stop, they just kept... touching me, and I can't get it out of my head. I thought I was fine, the nightmares weren't that bad, but now they keep waking me up in the middle of the night, and I'm alone and I feel like I'm locked up again."

Kurenai caressed my hair gently. "I'm sorry, Emi."

She held me until I fell asleep, and even afterwards, and when I woke up, having had no nightmares, we were still cuddled together on the couch.