Those Little Moments (Hatake Kakashi)

27

I woke up late the next morning. For a moment, I was terrified I'd be late to the school, then I realized with a breath of relief that it was the weekend. Kurenai had already gone to train her students, so I ate my breakfast alone, planning to go to Naruto's apartment to continue preparing my room.

I was still in my pyjamas with my usual bedhead when there was a knock at the door. As I opened the door, I started to say, "Kurenai isn't here right n-"

Standing at the door was Kakashi, holding a bouquet of yellow flowers. There were some roses, some daisies, and others I didn't recognize, but all of them were the same bright yellow, and I wasn't sure the bouquet would even fit in Kurenai's vase it was so massive.

At the sight of the flowers, my lips began to quirk upwards, but looking at his face made me frown again as I felt my heartbeat pause for a moment. He had to be apologizing, right? In a way, it almost felt like it would've been easier to just avoid each other forever, by the way my chest clenched uncomfortably. It took everything in me not to step backwards and shut the door in his face, but I couldn't stop my arms from wrapping around my chest to hold myself together.

"That's... a lot of flowers." Really? That was the only thing I could say? 

Kakashi didn't seem to think it was stupid, though, and his expression was pretty much the same as usual on first glance. Some instinct told me, for the first time, to look closer, instead of just assuming he was being the same apathetic jerk he'd been as a kid. Or maybe just seemed to be. The depth of his eye made my breath catch and I almost felt the urge to cry from how simultaneously cold and emotional it was. The wall guarding him was clear as day, and it was the only thing I'd ever seen of him—the only thing I'd ever noticed—but I saw then what was behind it. Sorrow and anger and guilt and relief and so many things I'd always assumed were nonexistent.

There were a few seconds of silence after that before Kakashi spoke. "I'm here to apologize, and explain, if you want to hear it."

I still wanted to run away, the thought of how much could that explanation hurt me? running through my head, but, remembering suddenly my days of hallucinations, I realized, running is the same as hiding from the truth, and I don't want to live a lie again.

"I would appreciate that. Before you say anything..." I paused, squeezing my fists gently. "I've talked a lot with Kurenai and Iruka, and there are things that I did wrong too. I think... well, Iruka was right that I was insecure about a lot of things, mainly my abilities and our friendship, and Kurenai, well, she explained what happened to Rin. I think I started to understand that you have a side in this too after that, but if you need time to tell me things, I won't pressure you and I'll try to react more maturely." Somehow, I really felt like I had to get all of that out, even though I'd been so adamant that most of this was Kakashi's fault, I felt much better realizing that and saying it out loud than being mad at him.

He seemed much more shocked than I was at my confession, and for a few moments he was quiet. "Rin does have a lot to do with it, but also you, Obito, and Minato-sensei. Mostly you, though." He paused for a second, his eye widening. "Not that it's your fault, that's not what I'm saying, I just mean I... felt very responsible for your kidnapping, and I carried a lot of guilt for you, Obito and Rin."

I nodded and, noticing he was still in the doorway, I invited him in and we made our way to the living room, dropping the flowers off in the kitchen.

When we were finally sitting down, Kakashi made eye contact with me, his eye communicating the true sincerity of his words. "I'm really sorry I held you at a distance and made you feel like I thought you were weak. I acted on my guilt the way a child would, not an adult."

I frowned, though my heart was aching less and less with each word, and part of me understood the answer already, but I still asked, "Why do you feel guilty?"

"Obito and Rin both died because of me, in their own ways. You were kidnapped and pronounced dead before I could even go look for you. Minato-sensei died in a fight I wasn't allowed to join. I know I couldn't have stopped any of it, but, seeing you again, in a way, felt like it was my chance to fix all the blood on my hands, so that all of you could forgive me." Kakashi had obviously prepared himself to say all of this, because the wall in front of his eye was stronger than usual, and even trying my hardest, I could barely grasp at the pain in his expression. "I thought it was my responsibility to make sure nothing ever happened to you, to make up for everything you went through, and in doing that convinced myself if I let us be friends, I would fail again. Then, I ended up being the one who hurt you the most, and others had to protect you from me instead."

I smiled weakly, though the pain in my chest was lessened. "Don't put all of this on yourself. Most of these emotions were already in me, you just triggered them. Like I said, I already had all my insecurities about how weak I am now, how useless I feel, whether I'm just a burden. Those things would've come up whether or not you triggered them."

"You can just tell me about these things, you know? I'd prefer helping than making them worse." Kakashi suggested.

I frowned, squinting at him suspiciously. "Are you trying to weasel your way into being my therapist? Cuz if so, I will absolutely beat you up."

Kakashi actually smiled at that, and I felt my worries washing away and my shoulders lightening. "No, I just think that Iruka was right when he said I'm a lucky bastard to have you as a friend, so I might as well treat you properly."

I laughed a little, smiling gently. "So Iruka did talk to you yesterday. I'm glad he managed to get your head out of your ass." I looked him up and down, the little patter of fear in my heart forcing me to add, "I'm still a little suspicious. I don't want to be the object of your guilt complex anymore."

Kakashi nodded, sighing. "Is there anything I can do to change that?"

I tilted my head, wondering, for a moment. "Well, first of all, next time we spar, you can go 100%. You'll have to stop protecting me too, just think of me in the present rather than the past me." Having a brief moment of realization, I added, "I'll probably have to do the same. I'm just as guilty as acting as if nothing changed in 14 years as you are, if I really think about it. Not as bad as you, of course." Probably not true, I was equally guilty, but I wasn't about to say that out loud. "If there's anything else I can think up, I'll tell you, and you can ask me to do things too, I guess, to make it fair."

Kakashi nodded. He seemed to be debating what to say, and since I had nothing to say either, I did the next best thing. Without warning him, I wrapped my arms around his waist in a hug, still sitting on the couch.

"You're not escaping our friendship now, by the way. You'll get worse than a slap to the face next time." I warned, smiling into the hug.

I smiled more when Kakashi's arms fell around my shoulders and I felt his chin rest on my head as he laughed, the vibrations echoing through my body. 

"If there ever is a next time, you have my full permission to beat me up to your heart's content."