Those Little Moments (Hatake Kakashi)

23

Kurenai had already started making dinner when I got back, and within a few minutes, we were sitting at the table. Though Kurenai tried to start a few conversations, I didn't contribute much, as much as I tried to listen.

"You're thinking about the Kakashi thing, aren't you?" Kurenai said, taking a biteful of chicken.

I nodded, frowning. "Do you..." I trailed off for a moment, having to force the words out of my mouth. "Do you think I overreacted?"

Kurenai stayed silent for a moment.

"Be honest. If I'm in the wrong, I should know." I added quietly, stirring the food around my plate aimlessly.

Kurenai sighed. "Yes and no. Do I think Kakashi deserved the reaction you gave? Not exactly. Do I think your reaction was well-earned and understandable? Kinda, yeah."

I leaned forwards on the table interestedly, and Kurenai put a hand on my arm gently. "You've had a lot happen to you. It's understandable to freak out when something disrupts the support system you've made around yourself. That's why I don't think you overreacted. But... on the other hand, Kakashi has also been through a lot, including losing you and every single person he's cared about ever. I understand why he acted the way he did. Especially because of the thing with Rin."

At her name, I felt my chest clench and my eyes tear up. "You know, Rin was the only normal friend I had when we were kids. Kakashi was a rival, and Obito was a crush, but Rin was just a friend. Out of all the hallucinations I had, she was always the nicest, the most supportive, who made me feel better even if she was just a memory." I paused. "What... exactly happened to her?"

Kurenai sighed. "You know how you were supposed to be the Three Tails jinchuriki when you were kidnapped?" I nodded, my heart sinking. "Rin was the one who ended up replacing you. I guess she was kidnapped by the same guy. Anyways, when Kakashi went to rescue her, they were cornered, and... well..."

"She died then?"

"Worse than that. She killed herself on Kakashi's lightning blade. He went into a deep depression after that, didn't talk to any of us for years. The only person who stayed by his side was Guy, who wouldn't leave him alone. From what I know, he had severe PTSD for a long time; he might still suffer from it." Kurenai said in a low voice, her eyes sympathetic and far away.

I fell silent, staring down at my plate. Though my own hurt didn't lessen, it felt to be so much smaller in comparison to the empathy I felt for Kakashi. It felt like I was watching him be torn apart, piece by piece, but only standing by and watching. Each cut, bruise, rip, and I did nothing. I couldn't even cry for him, it was as if his pain were only a statistic, and yet, deep inside it burned. 

"I can't even imagine. I don't know if I could ever recover from that. And especially after how Obito died too, I can't imagine the guilt." All I wanted to do was hug him and sew all the broken pieces back together, to make him see the sun and the beautiful things instead of prison walls. I knew well; a mental prison lasted much longer than anything physical. 

Kurenai rubbed her thumb against the back of my hand lightly. "Kakashi's strong, and Guy is the most relentless support system you could ever hear of... but still... don't you think he has his reasons for not wanting you alone?"

I squeezed her hand, feeling the lost emotions welling up inside of me, and I couldn't decide whether I was still sad or angry or sympathetic or anything else. Then, I nodded. "I do want him to tell me why himself, but, I guess if he needs time for that, that's ok. I haven't exactly told him about everything about me either."

Kurenai pulled me into her gentle embrace. "Remember, don't neglect your own emotions just because you're acknowledging his. Both sides will always exist."

I hugged her back tightly, thinking about how lucky I was to have a friend like her. So far, I had done nothing for Kurenai in our friendship, nothing at all, and yet here she was, helping me with my nightmares, with my drama, with my insecurities, everything. How could I ever compete with that? How could I ever do for her what she'd done for me?

"Thanks, Kure. I can't imagine there's anyone who's a better friend than you." I declared, tightening my arms around her.

"I'm just doing my best, no need to exaggerate. There's plenty of people who are better at being a friend than me."  Kurenai replied. I could tell she was smiling softly, in the maternal way she always did that made me think of how good of a mother she would make one day.

I shook my head against her shoulder. "You've done everything for me since I got here. We've barely been friends a couple months, and you're my biggest support. I don't think many others would go as far as you have. I mean, you let me show up in the middle of the night to sleepover, no questions asked, no complaints, when I know you have your own things to deal with. And, you haven't expected me to help you with anything at all in exchange."

Kurenai chuckled, petting my head. "That's just what any good friend would do. Everyone should have an unconditional friendship, right?"

I frowned, pulling away to look at her intensely and faux-seriously. "Well, from now on, I'm gonna listen to your problems too! Annoying students, relationship problems with Asuma, anything! I'm here." I mimicked Guy's 'nice guy' pose, laughing under my breath as I noticed her cheeks turn pink at the mention of her future lover (if they weren't together already).

"Oh stop it, Emi!" Kurenai complained flusteredly, bumping my shoulder gently. "That's not fair, I don't have anyone to tease you about!"

I grinned triumphantly. "As it should be, for now at least. I think we can agree I'm not stable enough for a relationship."

Kurenai giggled. "Yeah, maybe not. Still, one day, I could totally imagine you being in a super cute relationship. It would be like the grumpy-sunshine trope, 100%. Enemies to lovers? Maybe. That or a cute meet-cute. Like accidentally bumping into each other on the street and awkwardly apologizing for a while until he finally decides to make a move. Or like you're enemy Shinobi from different villages, and find a connection during an epic fight scene!"

I laughed out loud, shaking my head. "I have no idea what you're going on about. What is a grumpy-sunshine trope?"

Kurenai's jaw dropped, and immediately, she found a pile of romance books from her bookshelf for me. "You're reading all of these. You've gotta catch up on 10 years of swooning over fictional men."

I looked at them doubtfully, but I couldn't deny that the excitement in Kurenai's tone while she was explaining all those strange scenarios made something flutter in my chest. Interest? Excitement? Some combination of the two, anyways. Either way, I was looking forward to reading all those books and understanding, for the first time as an adult, the value of romance.