Those Little Moments (Hatake Kakashi)

19

After that moment, I seemed to be avoiding Kakashi at every possibility, but my confusion didn't fade. Luckily, he seemed to be avoiding me even more, though I caught him glancing at me for a few hours. 

Had he really been thinking of that? With me? I didn't know how, but I wasn't disgusted and ashamed the way I'd been when men had thought of me that way before. Sexuality was something to be taken by force, something only bad men could want, and yet Kakashi never made any move to touch me. Even the look in his eyes was different. There was something similar, which I couldn't identify, but yet, it was completely different, it wasn't predatory, it wasn't lust, instead, it was almost... bashful. Scared, maybe?

What did this mean? And why could I suddenly only see that moment repeated now every time I closed my eyes? Him, pressed against the grass, just inches away from me at one point. The slightest blush I could see even with his mask. The ineffable, intense look in his eyes that had my breath catch, that seemed to be staring just at me, everything that encapsulated me, not anything else, and certainly not like I was an object, the way I'd experienced in the past. The eyes that seemed to be simultaneously thinking of nothing and everything all at once, some sort of organized chaos I couldn't understand. 

That night, I went straight to bed, telling Kakashi to eat the leftovers while I lay awake trying not to think about it, to no success. 

After laying awake for hours, I finally got up and went to the living room, grabbing my book off the coffee table. I had started it a few days before, though it was very long, and now would be as good a time as any to finish it.

I managed to finish the whole book, enjoying each moment of the action-packed story, before turning the light off. Though at first I meant to go back to my own bed, I could see the beginnings of dawn through the window, so I just lay down on the couch, where sleep finally overtook me.

When I woke up, breakfast was already on the table and Kakashi had finished eating. I ate quickly, changing into training clothes, and Kakashi and I walked in silence to the training grounds, where the three students were waiting.

Though I greeted them as cheerfully as ever, they seemed to recognize to strange atmosphere between the two of us, while I awkwardly watched, once again, as they did their training. Of course, I trained as well, but I was distracted and the most unproductive I'd been since before they'd left on their mission. 

I really had forgotten how boring it was being a tagalong to their team after having trained with Guy for so many weeks. With Guy, not only was it fun, but it was productive too. Same with Kurenai. With Kakashi, especially after yesterday when he'd gone easy on me, I always had something to prove and nothing to do.

Halfway into the day, I finally had had enough. 

"Hatake. I'm going to the Hokage's office to speak with him. I'll be back soon." He seemed ready to disagree, from the way his eye had widened and his body had stiffened up, but I didn't give him the chance to, and just left, not wanting yet another awkward moment.

Lord Third was sitting at his desk, as usual, when I knocked and was allowed in.

"Emiko. I would say it's a surprise, but the only surprising thing is how long it took you to go stir-crazy." He said, his face stern.

I smiled weakly. "I understand you just want to keep the Leaf safe, but, haven't I proven I'm not a threat by now?" 

Sarutobi sighed, interlocking his fingers on his desk. "Yes."

"Then can't I go where I want now? Do I still need Hatake babysitting me? I love being able to get to know my nephew, but during training and missions, if anything, I'm bringing down their team! I'm strong enough to come back to work." I was aware that this was a hasty decision, but, deep down, the reason I'd been training with Guy and Kurenai was so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone else anymore. And yet, I was still burdening Kakashi and being absolutely useless and weak. As much as I'd pretended I wasn't feeling that way, I couldn't convince myself anymore that I was ok the way I was, constantly doing less, being less than those I cared about.

Sarutobi rubbed his nose bridge, as if not wanting to tell me something. "The reason I haven't let you do as you please is because, as Kakashi pointed out to me, there's a possibility they could attempt to kidnap you again, and he wasn't sure whether you would freeze up or not in battle. He told me you froze up even just walking through the village on your first day back, and we can't risk that happening in battle. Kakashi is the one who requested to keep protecting you, and his arguments were sound, so I agreed."

His words felt like a knife to the stomach, like salt rubbed into my wounds from yesterday. I had been so worried about how useless I was, how far behind I was, but I thought he would believe in me more. That he would give me the chance to improve. Kakashi, the friend I'd always looked up to most, truly thought I was weak, even worse than that, I was so helpless I couldn't go a minute of the day away from him. I didn't even realize I was crying at first. Why should I care? Kurenai and Guy were my true friends; they were the ones who trained me, who laughed with me, who hugged me and showed me affection, whom I could see actually cared about me. Kakashi was just some jerk I'd known when I was a kid I'd thought was dead. He's not my friend, he doesn't have to be anything. I barely knew what a quarter of his face looked like, for crying out loud. The betrayal and the agony that came with it swiftly turned into anger and determination, though tears still fell freely down my face.

"I'm more than capable of protecting myself, Sarutobi-sama. I've trained with Guy, and even once beaten Kurenai. Just yesterday, I beat Kakashi, even if he was going easy on me, I was stronger than he expected, so I found it easy. Kurenai and Guy will both vouch for me." My eyes were blazing, and I could see the Hokage deliberating mentally, before nodding.

"You may do what you wish. I will need confirmation from Kurenai before the end of the day, though." He decided.

I nodded, wiping away my angry tears to stand tall once more.